Category: rednecks

What’s the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Coons get into everyone else’s trash but yours.When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.Warp drive describes the condition of your car.Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

What does a red-neck say before he/she dies?
(in red-neck grammer): Hey y’all watch this!

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over t’ the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, ‘Gentlemen, start
your engines’

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas
it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

What does Ford stand for?

Found On Rednecks Driveway!

You haul more than U-Haul.Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

You just might be a Redneck if:

You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as ” your senior year.”
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

You’re a redneck if…. “Buck Naked Line Dancing” isn’t videotape, it’s
“Ladies Night” at the local bar.

You’re a redneck if …. You know how many bales of hay your car holds.