Category: rednecks

You’re a redneck if…. Redman sends you a Christmas card.

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob(last) (_) Billy-Joe(_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack(_) Billy-Jefferson(Check appropriate box)Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/AShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employedSpouse’s Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:(_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___Mother’s Name: _______________________Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksFirearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shedModel and year of your pickup: ___________194_Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not ApplicableColor of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile(_)2 miles(_)don’t know

Jack Daniel’s makes your list of Most Admired People.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, y’all watch this!
You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,”HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We’re not all stupid ya know!”

“Relax” said the ventriloquist, “They’re just jokes!”

“I’m not talking to you, sir!” The hick replied “I’m talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!”

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.

You mow your lawn and find your long lost convertible.

You mistake the offering plates for an ashtray.

You make change in the offering plate.

You go to family reunions to meet girls.

You call your boss dude.

When you see a sign that says no to crack you pull up your pants.

When your amazed that your son finally said his first word and
he is 21.

When your 5 year old can count higher than you.

When somebody yells hoe down your girfriend drops to the floor.

You go racoon hunting on your honeymoon.

Redneck Driver’s License Application…

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still
slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

What do you call 28 rednecks in the same room?

Answer: A full set of teeth!!

You might be a rednack if…Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck. You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape. You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes. You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek. It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.You’ve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store. You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong. You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy. Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go hungry.You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q. You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.None of your zippers have all their teeth either. You are driving the car you were conceived in. You’ve ever used scissors on food.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Burger King won’t let you do it your way, right away.You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.