Category: rednecks

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “‘Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“‘Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asks

“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!” the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet!”

You might be a redneck if…When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into “America’s Most Wanted”.You own more than two clappers.You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool. Your pickup truck no longer has a back. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips. Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.You think Tang is in the fruit group. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You know you are a redneck if… you stare at a can that say “concentrate”.

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” “Dang it, I thought you said ”GOATS.”

Because his son wasn’t the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. “Now you lissen good, Dan’l, ‘cuz here’s whatcha gotta do.One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin.Three: Pee.Four: Push back your foreskin.Five: Put your equipment back.”The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe’s wife came running over. “Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan’l went ta piss an’ won’t come out of the outhouse!””Hell, whut’s he doin’ in there?” Joe said.I dunno. He jess keeps sayin’ “Two-four, two-four, two-four……”

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

You’re a redneck if…. There is a stuffed ‘possum anywhere in your house.

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, “Honey, you know we’re not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.”

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man’s old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, “Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.”

When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.

A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the “Up” arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you’ve ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.

The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, “Son, go git yer Ma.”

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know any thing that’s going on.””Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the man.”He don’t know nothing now.”

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.