Category: rednecks

You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

Here in the Kentucky hills, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’
Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest
mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sitting on the porch swing, talking bout the
good old days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!
Look at the size of that bird, Paw! she exclaims.
Paw raises up, Get my gun, Maw.
Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful
aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail
silently over the treetops.
I think ya missed him, Paw, she says.
Yeah, he replies, but at least he let go of old Zeek!

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.You don’t think Jeff’s Foxworthy’s jokes are funny.

YOU MAMA GOT SO MANY GAPS IN HER MOUTH SHE SAYS HER TONGUES IN JAIL

You own at least 20 baseball hats.You think a ‘cursor’ is someone who swears a lot.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy – “HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!”

The city guy says, ‘Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!”
The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over”)

So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders “Its my turn”
The famer looks at him and says – “aw Hell, keep the damn duck!

I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store”, and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair… I said to him, “What do you folks do around here?”He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”I said, “What do you hunt?”He said, “Somethin’to fuck.”

This is a response to Jeff Foxwhatever’s “You might be a Redneck if …”

So….. You might be a Yankee if…

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

3) You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5) You don’t know what a moon pie is.

6) You’ve never had grain alcohol.

7) You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9) You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

10) You have no idea what a polecat is.

11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

12) You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

13) You don’t have bangs.

14) You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

18) You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

23) You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

24) The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

28) You don’t know what applique is.

29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

30) You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

31) You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

32) You’ve never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

36) You know what the junior league is.

You’re a redneck if…. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade.You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.