Category: rednecks

my sister she has moles.
and i cant find my remote so whata do…………………go to mexico with your sister so you can call her guacaMOLE

You might be a redneck if…

You see a sign that says “bridge out” and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You go to the dentist for a “Tooth Cleaning”.

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.

Coons get into everyone else’s trash but yours.

When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You have a clawfoot bathtub.

You’ve ever been arrested for bootleggin’.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King won’t let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wife�s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

1.you have a picture of your dog in your wallet
2.you wear boots to go to the bathroom
3.Loreda Lynn truly changed your life
4.you proposed at Earls gas station
5.your truck comes from world war 1
6.your teeth have a license to kill
7.you had at least one dog in your wedding
8.you play acky breaky heart for your wedding song.

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we’re here to help…

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”

A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.

The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.

The hillbilly heard this and said, “Great! Be sure and give him lot’s of that there triggernometry! He’s got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

You might be a redneck if your richest uncle calls you and says he bought a
new house and he wants you to come over and take the wheels off.

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?

He blew a hole in the toilet.

Sung to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 a Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS….
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT…

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father
said “No way! You’re going to By-God West Virginia Univ.”

Well, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she
wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named
Clarence. Her father said “I’ll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from
Richmond, you’re marrying a By-God West Virginian boy,” so he sent his two sons
to UVA to get their sister.

In a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked, “Where is your
sister?”
They replied “We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a
sign that said ‘Clarence 13’6” so we turned around and drove the hell out of
there!”

Q. What’s long and hard on a Redneck?A. Third grade.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?

The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.