Category: rednecks

You know you’re a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

An Mid-Westener walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Mid-Westener is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the Mid-Westener says, “What’s that noise?”

In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…”

You might be a red neck if your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade!

you might be a redneck if you mow your yard and find a 1956 chevy!

Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

One Cajun is working on his boat. Two other Cajuns came up and said,
“Boudreaux! We got some good news an’ some bad news for’ you.”

Boudreaux said, “Oh! Give me dat bad news foist.”

� We just come down from ad bayou. You wife she floating’ face down in it —
she dead!”

Boudreaux said, “No! No! Oh man… dat terrible news. Watt da good news?”

� She had over two dozen blue crabs on her! We gonna run her again in the
morning’!”

Backup – What you do when you run across a varmint in the woods.

Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick to work.

Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Billy-Bob.

Chip – Cow pasture surprises that you try not to step in.

Terminal – When yer about to die.

Crash – When you go to Jethro’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on yer fingers.

Diskette – Female who dances the disco.

Fax – What you lie about to the IRS and yer wife.

Hacker – Uncle Willie after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture used to help you select a tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria ladies put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to yer John Deere.

Mac – Big John’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after 13 beers.

Modem – What you do when the grass gets so high that it hides the pickup truck that you have on blocks in the front yard.

Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie call home.

Network – Scoopin’ a big fish before it breaks yer line.

ROM – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Keeps mosquitoes outta yer trailer.

Serial Port – A red wine you drink with yer breakfast.

Superconductor – The guy who yells “All Aboard” the loudest at a train station.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your two-week-old underwear.

You might be a redneck if…someone yells “HO-DOWN” and your wife hits the floor.

You’re a redneck if …. Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a
highway to take a leak.

Hi y’all…muh name id’s Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there’s my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn’t know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It’s hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That’s the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm
wrestling.