Category: rednecks

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are
you looking at, shiftier?”

You’re probably a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions.

The highlight of your family reunion was your sister’s nude dancing debut.

You might be a redneck if…

You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…”

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You might be a redneck if you turned your child in to the police because you thought he/she was Hooked on Phonics.

More than anything, dull Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke.

Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

“This,” he said, showing Dennis is a rope, “is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.”

“I see, said Dennis, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. “And what do you use for bait?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A Yankee’s Translation of the Soother�s Vocabulary
We provide this translation of the Soother�s vocabulary in an attempt to teach
them Yankees how to talk rightly.
Ah – The things you see with.
Air – Which came first, the chicken, or the air?
Arn – An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
Ay-rab – The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
Bawl – What water does.
Bidness – The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
Bobbycue – A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a
fiery sauce.
Bud – Small feathered creature that flies.
Cheer – A piece of furniture used for sitting.
Chekatawfarya – Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.
Co-Cola – Soft drink.
Crine – Weeping.
Dawfins – Name of the professional football team in Miami.
Daints – A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold
each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.
Doc – A condition caused by the absence of light.
Etlanna – The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern
independence.
Everthang – All-encompassing.
Far – A state of combustion that produces heat and light.
Foller – Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
Git – To acquire.
Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.
Gull – A young female.
Hale – Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.
Heidi – noun. Greeting
Hep – To aid or benefit.
Hire Yew
Idinit – “Mighty hot today, idinit?”
Keer – To be concerned.
Lieberry – A building containing thousands of literary works.
Moanin – Between daybreak and noon.
Motuhsickle – A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.
Munts – The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.
Nawth – Any part of the country outside of the South.
Nekkid – To be unclothed.
Ovair – In that direction.
Own – Instead of awf.
Phrasin – Very cold.
Pitcher – An image, either drawn or photographed.
Sebmup – Soft drink similar to ginger ale.
Show – “It show is hot today.”
Spearmint – Something scientist do.
Stow – Place where things are sold.
Tal – What you dry off with after you take a share.
Tar – Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.
Uhmukin – Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.
Zackly � Precisely

Mary Sue passed away in the middle of the night, so her husband,
Bubba, called 911. The operator answering the call said they
would be sending someone over right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba answered, “At the end of Eucalyptus Lane.”

Then the operator asked, “Could you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause, until Bubba finally said, “How about if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?”

You might be a redneck if…

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

“That’s OK with me, honey,” says her husband. “I’ll go get some wood for the fire.”

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

“What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks.

“Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!”

“Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll fix them!” the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

“Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!” he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6′-8″, steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. “I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?”

The husband answers meekly, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.”

Your mom paints your haws one color and it ends up three.