Category: rednecks

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
“Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to “git that big ole coon. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn…”

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.

Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”

You’re a redneck if…. Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”.

What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?

They’ve both been fingered by their brothers.

There was this sort of DIM guy from kentucky, and he wanted to
buy a horse because he thought gas prices were too expensive. So
he goes to this guy down his road who has a bunch of horses and
asks him if he could buy one from him. The neighbor says sure,
I’ll give you a special price-$100. So the guy says GREAT! I’ll
take it. So his neighbor shows him the horse, and tells him to
be careful because this horse isnt just any other horse, you
have to use special commands to get it to go and stop. The
neighbor tells the man to say “thank goodness” to get it to go;
and “bellybutton” to get it to stop. The man says okay, pays the
neighbor, hops on the horse, then says “thank goodness” and the
horse starts trotting. All is going well until the horse gets
scared by a car and starts running–right towards a cliff. The
man says to himself..oh no…what was the word to get the horse
to stop??? He thinks as fast as he can and just as the horse
gets to the edge he thinks of it and yells “bellybutton!”. The
horse stops just at the edge. “whew” he says to himself. “that
was close. Thank goodness.”

And the horse goes right off the edge.

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.

You’re an expert on worm beds.

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…”You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.You bring your dog to work with you.

If you see a sign that says “say no to crack” and you remember to pull your
pants up, you might be a redneck.

You’re a redneck if …. You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because
of bridge clearance restrictions.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.””That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.””Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.”Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.””Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?””Under the wagon!”

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.

if you think that deodorant is for… a yeast infection, you just might be one blonde redneck!