Category: rednecks

You’re a redneck if… -You have more fingers than you do teeth -You cut your grass and find a car -You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors -Your age is higher than your I.Q. -Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?”-You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.”-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. -You say “Watch this” everytime before you goto the hospital. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman – almost.” The priest says, “What do you mean, ‘almost’?” The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The man replied, “Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”

If you have to go out to your garage to heat something up in the microwave.

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck’s 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck “You’re right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm.”

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.

The redneck opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.

Next day – the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral – The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again”

The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”

You might be a Redneck if…Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”There is a gun rack on your bicycle. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.” The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You picked your teeth from a catalog.You’ve ever financed a tattoo.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in “big ol truck”, or “big ol boy”.”Fixin'”, as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”, is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

You might be a redneck if your truck’s roof is higher than your trailer’s.

You might be a redneck if…

You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music.

You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

You can chew your own toenails.

You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.

Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.

You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.

You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn’t spit it out.

Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.

Your dog’s shots are up to date but your children’s aren’t.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

Less than half the cars you own run.

1. You’ve ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

2. Your wife’s hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

3. You go to your family reunion to pick up women.

4. Your richest relative buys a new house — and you have to help him take the wheels off it.

5. You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment!

6. Your family tree does not fork.

7. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.

8. You’ve lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.

9. You helped your cousin move his refrigerator — and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

10. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income!