Category: rednecks

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

You’re a redneck if…. You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

You might be a redneck if…Fewer than half of your cars run.You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin!

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway.You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan. Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore. ‘Cuz you married me back in ’74.Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man, To patch up life’s troubles and stick ’em in the can.Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like no far ant upon which I oft’ tread.Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.And when you get old like a ’57 Chevy, Won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It’s romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.”That’s impressive,” I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.”Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin’ motor.

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin
to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck
says, “I want my $20 million.”

The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you
a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the
next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won
it and I want it.”

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day
and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my
money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now,
then I want my dollar back!”

10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.6. Urine drug test transformed into “Distance Pissin Competition.”5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?A: She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen!Q: What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?A: The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.Q: How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?A: When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?A: There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?A: They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!Q: What do they call “Hee Haw” in Arkansas?A: A documentary.Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?A: “Life Styles of the Rich and Famous.”Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a ‘possum?A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

What’s the best pick up line in Arkansas?Nice Tooth!

You might be a redneck if…

You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment