Category: rednecks

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.

You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.You list your parole officer as a reference.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide trailer).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me”.

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

“1,2,3,4,5….”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A Redneck Valentine …author unknown

Collards is green my dog’s name is Blue and he’s all I know of that’s purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo’re there fer yore man, to patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. “That’s awsum,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.
“Diamonds are forever,” they explain, proud an’ grand.

But for this man, honey, these gifts jus’ won’t do. Cause yo’re far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, “How do you spell ‘dumb’?”Darla says, “D-u-m-b, dumb.”The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”She says, “Buckwheat is dumb.”The teacher says, “Now spell ‘stupid’.”Darla says, “S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.”The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, “Buckwheat, spell dictate.”Buckwheat stands and says, “D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.””I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!”

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the gate,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

You might be a redneck if…

After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

Your grandmother stands up to pee.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”

You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.

You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.

A pregnant Redneck woman is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no
longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle from
West Virginia came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh No, not my Uncle… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor�, Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Deepen�.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You’re a redneck if …. Your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever
read.

There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase it’s sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”.Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”. The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman – almost.” The priest says, “What do you mean, ‘almost’?” The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The man replied, “Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”