Category: rednecks

Transportation project

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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the
past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black
boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh,
Shit!”

Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the
final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”

Chili Eating Contest

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These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
“Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a
chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I
wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, &
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–

(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Bubba

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Two rednecks, Bubba and Ed, were driving down the road drinking a couple of
bottles of Coors. The passenger, Bubba, said, “looked that up ahead, Ed, it’s a
poll-ice roadblock!!
We’re going to get busted far drinking’ these here beers!!” “Don’t worry,
Bubba”, Ed said, “we’ll just pull over and finish drinking’ these beers, and
peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under
the seat.” “What far�, asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talking’, OK�, said Ed.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and
each put a label on their forehead. When they reach the roadblock, the sheriff
said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No, sir,” said Ed. “We’re on the patch”