Category: rednecks

You have to duct tape your gloves on.You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

Two Rednecks are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.

When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th’ bag?”

“Jes’ some chickens.”

“If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?”

“Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you both of ’em!”

“OK. Ummmmm…five?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You might be a redneck if: You save Marlboro Miles to buy your kids school clothes.

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.”Say, how old are you anyway?” the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.”Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.”Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?” he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh ?”

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You and your dog use the same tree.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in
prison.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas
it has in it.

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his
head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a
calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure
your friend is really dead.” There is a brief silence, then a shot is heard. The
guy’s voice comes back on the line. “Ok, Now What?”

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me. “You Yankees
never do read The Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about
firemen in The Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and
ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face, she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three
wise men came from afar.'”

You might be a redneck if…
You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Q. How do Rednecks engage in oral sex?A. They go to opposite ends of the trailer, and shout “**** you” at each other.

What’s the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?

In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it’s a misdemeanor.

Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: _________________

Lover’s Name: ________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother’s Name: ___________________
Father’s Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what’s a miles?