Category: rednecks

your gay

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought – “I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me.”

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, “I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini.”

Immediately, the man behind the counter said “Are you a hillbilly?” This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, “Are you a hillbilly or not?”

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner’s discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, “But how did you know?”

The shopkeeper replied, “This is a hardware store!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci

adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool.
antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this)
cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how
fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.
series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles….(n) books of the Bible
tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

There is a stuffed ‘possum mounted anywhere in your home.

You’re a redneck if…. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

A farmer goes for his driving test. During the test the instructor says to the farmer, “Can you make a U – turn?”

The farmer replies. “No, but I can make its eyes water.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You’re a redneck if …. After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you
find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.

You’re a redneck if…. The first words out of your mouth every time you see
friends are “Howdy!”
“HEY!” or “How Y’all Doing?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a
redneck too!)

This town Inspector for the state of Texas was saent to a small town in West Texas.For Mapping Purposes. He drove into a small town and parked his car. The first thing he saw was a Cowboy chasing a coyote down the street. The Cowboy caught the coyote and comensed having sex with it in broad daylight in the middle of the street. The Inspector got all irate and said to himself,”I got to report this to the Sheriff.”He runs to the Sheriff’s office next door. The Sheriff wasn’t there. The Inspector walked outside, asked a person on the street where the Sheriff might be. The person said at that time of day, the Sheriff was always at the bar.So the Inspector went to the bar,walked in, saw the Sheriff standing at the bar. As he was going towards the bar,he noticed an old man in the corner whackin’ off! This really upset him. He went over to confront the Sheriff. He said,”Sheriff,I’m with the State. I’ve come to inspect your town. The first thing I see is a Cowboy chasing a coyote down main street; catching it, and comensin’to have sex with it! Then I come to find you to report it, and I see an old man in the corner whackin’ off! How do you explain it?”The Sheriff cocks his hat back and scratches his head;looked squarely at the Inspector and said,”You don’t expect a man his age to catch a coyote do ya?”

You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.You have guns in your house that you cannot find.You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

You have to duct tape your gloves on.You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.