Category: rednecks

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Punch his sister in the jaw

What is a country song played backwards?

Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car
starts, you get your job back and life is great.

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior’s 21 years old now” It�s about time we teach him about sex”.

Ma said “ya know pa your right”.

So pa said to junior “hey junior come on out to the porch for a second”.

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says “ya pa whatcha want”.

Pa said “junior it�s about time we teach you about sex”.

Junior said “sex what’s sex”.

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior “see that hole in ma? watch this”. So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he�s 18 and says, “Junior what’s ma and pa doing”.

Junior says “their teaching me about sex”.

Junior�s brother says “sex what’s sex”.

Junior says “see that hole in pa watch this”.Red

Billy is a poor boy, lives on a farm, gets made fun of at school, and does’nt have any friends. So he’s walking home one day from school , and at that it was’nt a very good one, and as he’s almost at his house, see’s a pig, and says, “Stupid fuck’in pig.” and kicks it. Then his mom sticks her head out the window and says,”Billy, I saw that. No pork for a month!”. Billy says,”Bitch!.” see’s the chicken walking around and says,”Stupid fuck’in chikcen, strut’in around like she owns the place!”and kicks it. The mom stcks her head out the window, and says,”Billy,I saw that. No chicken for… 2 months!”. Then Billy goes and sits down on his porch because he figures if he goes inside he’ll just get in more trouble. About five minutes later,his dad pulls up in thier pick-up truck, opens up the door, and steps on their cat. The dad says,”Stupid fuck’in cat!”and kicks it.Billy says,”Yo Mom! You wanna’ tell ’em or am I.”.

You’re a redneck if …. You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the
state park.

You’re a redneck if …. You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans
rather than hem them.

You’re a redneck if…. On your job application under “SEX” you put “As often
as possible”.

Your dad says (southern accent), “come over to the dark side son, it’ll be a
HOOT!”

You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.Your idea of a fancy dessert is “moon pie ala mode”.

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him”.

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where
we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address
as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their
house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it,
pulled the chain and haven’t seen ‘me since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final
payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if
it is a boy or a girl so doesn�t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he
fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the
other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and
swam to safer. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this
letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma