Category: rednecks

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, “This one will go a little over a 100”.Astonished the Yankee said, “Who are you trying to fool? You can’t weigh a pig that way”. The farmer laughed and called to his young son, “Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man”. The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, ” This here pig weighs about 100 pounds”. The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, “Ma says she will be right down after she’s finished weighing the mailman”.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.

When a couple gets a divorce they’re still brother and sister.

John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little ‘shine, and talking about their dumb ole’ hillbilly wives.”You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store ‘tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”The other two just howl with laughter.Brian the Miniature says, “Hell, that ain’t nothing — my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain’t got no runnin’ water!”That one nearly slayed ’em.Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Well, I reckon my bride’s GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. ‘tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers — hell, she ain’t got no dick!”

Three hillbillies are ogling a pig.

First guy says, “I shore wish that was Marilyn Moore.”

Second guys says, “I shore wish it was Demi Moore.”

Third guy says, “I shore wish it was dark already.”

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick. One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ”I wish that I could do that.” The other one then said, ”Ooooh, that dog would bite you.”

–Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and
the deer is in sight.
–When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
–Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
–When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
–Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
–Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
–Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

You’re a redneck if…. The primary color of your car is “bondo”.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than
your spouse

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a
different night.

Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.”

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all
watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
“Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on
how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front
yard.

Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law
against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.

Question: what do you call a barn full of old blacks?
Answer: antique farm equipment

Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that’s illegal an’ all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.

The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: “Well, I was walkin’ along, and saw this sheep just’a eatin’ grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.”

“And then what?” asked the prosecutor.

“Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.”

“And what happened after that?”

“Well,” said the witness, “they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around… an’ licked him!”

Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, “You know… a good sheep’ll do that.”