Category: rednecks

Proof that you are a well-bred red neck:

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

2. If the biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

3. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

4. If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

5. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table…

6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart.

7. If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop
always brings you home.

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars
worth of improvement.

9. If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

10. If you’ve ever asked the preacher “How’s it hangin?”

11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury
duty.

12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

13. If somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your
teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

14. If you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it
said concentrate.

15. If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish.

You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

You’re a redneck if…. Fewer than half of your cars run.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

You’re a redneck if….
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record
collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

The Weather:
— It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
— It’s been hitter�s a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.
— Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.

A redneck walks into a lawyers office and says, “I wants me a devoars!”

The attorney says, “Do you have gounds?”

“I gots 20 acres uh’ the best bottom land in Alabamma.”

“No I meant to ask do you have a good case?” replys the attorney.

“Yep, I rekkun so. I traded by International Harvester for it ’bout three four yar ‘go.

The attorney says, “Well nevermind that. Does she beat you up?”

“Nawh, hell no! She don’t roll outta bed til roun 8 9 o’clock and I’m up with the chickens 4:30 5:00 ‘ary mornin.”

“Is she a whinner?”

“Nawh, we boaf hadta quit drinkin back in June cause the police said they’d lock boaf us up ‘we didn’t.

“Is she a nagger?”

“Nawh, but that nagger baby she just had show is and that’s why I wants me a devoars.”

A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, “Your dog is in heat.” The redneck cowboy answers, “No way the dog’s in heat; he’s cool cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree.” The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred.” The redneck sowboy shakes his head and says, “No way dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning.” The policeman finally gets mad and says, “Look, your dog wants to have sex.” The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, “Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!”

You know you’re Castle Trash if……

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet
Your daughter’s chastity belt has rusted
You can’t afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices
You have more sheep dogs than sheep
You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have…
The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while
The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway
Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum
Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier
The grail you brought home has “made in China” printed on the bottom
Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom
You won “most improved ” at the tournament
They call your daughter made Marian
Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says “peace before discomfort”
Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

This actually happened!

I live in Edinbourgh, Scotland. I’m on a tour bus showing a
friend around. Behind us is this huge Texan. We knew knew this
because he told everyone very loudly when anyone got on the bus.

The bus stops at a red light and he hears a beeping sound. He
asks what it is and I tell him it’s the sound to let blind
people know when the traffic has stopped. He says, “Oh! In our
country we just don’t let our blind drive!”

The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

English….. I Love YouSpanish….. Te AmoFrench…… Je T’aimeGerman…… Ich Liebe DichJapanese…. Ai Shite ImasuItalian….. Ti AmoChinese….. Wo Ai NiSwedish….. Jag Alskar DigEskimo…… NagligivagetGreek……. S’AgapoHawaiian…. Aloha Wau la OeIrish……. Thaim In Grabh LeatHebrew…… Ani Ohev OtakhRussian….. Ya Lyublyu TyebyaAlbanian…. Une Te DuaFinnish….. Mina Rakkastan SinuaTurkish….. Seni SeviyorumHungarian… Se Ret LayPersian….. Du Stet DaramMaltese….. ien InhobbokCatalan….. Testimo MoltRedneck….. Nice Tits