Category: rednecks

You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.You can chew your own toenails.You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

You might be a redneck if….your belt buckle contains more money, than your pockets do.

How do you know when you’re staying in a classy hotel in the
South?

When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my
sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “awe shucks
mister, go on ahead.”

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, Yup, he’s burnt real bad; but you’ll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.”

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Clyde.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad; roll him over.”
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, “Nope, it ain’t Clyde.”

Frustrated, the mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Zeke answered, “Well, Clyde had two assholes.”
“What!?” The disbelieving mortician asked, “He had TWO assholes?”

“Yup, that’s right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say…
‘Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!’

There was two people working in a coal mine. It was time for lunch so the two people sat down together; one was a West Virginian the other a Virginian. While they were eating lunch, the Virginian pulled out a Thermos.

“What is that?” asked the West Virginian.

“A Thermos,” said the Virginian.

“What is it used for?” asked the West Virginian.

“It is used to store hot stuff in it and cold stuff in it,” said the Virginian.

“I’m going to get me one,” said the West Virginian.

So the next week when the West Virginian and the Virginian ate lunch together the West Virginian pulled out a Thermos.

“What’s in the Thermos?” asked the Virginian.

“A hot dog and a Popsicle,” said the West Virginian.

You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and you still have the same in-laws!

Moments before a Redneck wedding, a groom and his best man, who go back a long way as friends and fellow playboys, compare conquests.

The groom says, �You know, except for my wife to be, and obviously my sister and my mother, I�ve slept with every woman here.�

�Well, then,� replies the best man, �between the two of us, we�ve had them all!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

Thers this one time i walked into a Funeral home and theres this lady, not to be mean or anything but that lady weighed at least 350 to 400lbs and she was singing a song called”love lift me up” well i”ll tell you one thing, love aint gonna lift that lady up without a winch.

The kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite
Sam mud flaps.

STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION FORM

Name: ______________ (last)

First:(Please tick appropriate box)

Billy-Bob [ ] Billy-Joe [ ] Billy-Ray [ ] Billy-Sue [ ] Billy-Mae [ ] Billy-Jack [ ]

Shoe size: ______ (left) ________ (right)

Occupation:

Farmer [ ] Mechanic [ ] Hair Dresser [ ] Unemployed [ ]

Relationship with spouse:

sister [ ] brother [ ] aunt [ ] uncle [ ] cousin [ ] mother [ ] father [ ] son [ ] daughter [ ] pet [ ]

Education: 1 2 3 4 (tick highest grade completed)

Do you own [ ] or rent [ ] your mobile home?

___ total number of vehicles you own
___ number of vehicles that still crank
___ number of vehicles in front yard
___ number of vehicles in back yard
___ number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

truck [ ] bedroom [ ] bathroom [ ] kitchen [ ] shed [ ]

Model and year of pick-up: __________194__

Do you have a gun rack? [ ]yes [ ]no. (If no, please explain)

___ number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

weekly [ ] monthly [ ] N/A [ ]

Colour of teeth:

yellow [ ] brownish-yellow [ ] brown [ ] black [ ] N/A [ ]

How far is your home from a paved road:

1-5 miles [ ] 5-10 miles [ ] don’t know [ ]

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.