Category: rednecks

If one family was pore whith only a cloke whine its raining.How would thay serfiva?

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can’t get married to your sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.
You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You’re a redneck if…. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occasions.

Two Rednecks went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”

Adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool.
antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this)
cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type
peepul live.
emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how
fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.
series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles….(n) books of the Bible
tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

You might be a redneck if…. your toilet is in you front lawn and isn’t a
porta potty but a whole in the ground…

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks’ library? Both the books got
burned, and one hadn’t even been colored in yet!

You might be a redneck if…

You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.

You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, “Let’s hit the road for dinner,” and then grabs a shovel.

You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.

The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”

You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

You know you’re a redneck when you think that petroleum jelly goes with toast
and grits.

A Kentucky family took a holiday to New York City. For an adventure the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw – especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.The boy asked, ‘What’s that there, Paw?’The father responded, ‘Well son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.’While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.The father turned to his son and said, ‘Go git your Maw.’

what do u call a black preacher????

holy shit

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.