Category: rednecks

You might be a redneck if you think �wind sprints� means running from a fart.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool
Whip.
You use your ironing board as a buffet table.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvement.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

You’re a redneck if…. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.

Three kids on a playground in fifth grade are bored and want to
play a new game:

Jew: Im bored.
Italian: Lets play compare the penis.
Redneck: What’s that?
I: We wip ours out and whoever has the biggest penis wins.
J: Ok.
R: Sure.

So the jew wips his out.
I, R: Wow thats pretty big!
J: Thanks

Then the italian boy wips his out/
J: Well that’s pretty big.
R: Yea its bigger than yours.
I: Ok its your turn red.

So now the redneck wips his out.
I: WOA!! That’s the biggest most girth penis I’ve ever seen!
J: It must be because you’re a redneck!

The redneck starts to cry and goes home. Later his mother asks
what he did at school today.

Redneck mom: How was your day?
R: I learned how to read and we played a new game called compare
the penis.
Redneck mom: Did you win
R: Yea, mom they said its cause im a redneck is that true?
Redneck mom: No, it’s because you’re 26 years old.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,”What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

Your family tree does not fork.

You might be a rednack if…

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You’ve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.

You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go hungry.

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.

Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You are driving the car you were conceived in.

You’ve ever used scissors on food.

You’re a redneck if…. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy
Queen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to “git that big ole coon. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn…”You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.Buford Buck’s 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck “You’re right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm.”

One day a little boy and his dad decide to go deer hunting.
While in the woods the father spots a deer and tells his son to
stay put and not to make any noise because he would scare the
deer away so the little boy agrees and the father moves on. All
of a sudden the father hears a scream and goes back to see what
is goin on his son is sitting there and the father asks I
thought I told you to be quiet or you would scare the deer away.
He says dad I was fine when that bear walked by and when that
snake slithered across my foot, but when those two squirrels
crawled up my pant leg and said should we take them now or later
I got a little worried.