Category: rednecks

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You might be a redneck if…

Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.

You’ve ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”

You might be a redneck if…You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!” You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?” Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…” You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Your masseuse uses lard.Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. On stag night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.

The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”

They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.

Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”

She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”

You might be a redneck if you think �wind sprints� means running from a fart.

You’re a redneck if…. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.

One day Barry-a redneck man, and his friend Billy Bob decided to
go to college. They decided that one of them would go the
nearest university and see how to enroll. They decided that
since it was Barry’s idea, he should go. Once at the college, he
asked how he could enroll in college. They gave him a test on
his IQ-which he barely passed. They then asked him which
classes he wished to enroll in and listed off a couple classes.
Mathematics, History, Chemistry, English, and Logic were some.
Barry asked, “Well what’s logic?”
The headmaster said, “Well, it’s hard to explain, so maybe I
can show you. Do you own a weedwacker?” Barry said he did.
The head master said, “If you have a weedwacker, then I can
concur that you have a lawn.”
“Wow! That’s amazing! You’re right!”
“Also, if you have a lawn, you probably have a house. If you
have a house, you probaly have a wife.”
“Yep, thats exactly right! Do ya got any more?”
“Well, if you have a wife, I think i am right in saying that
you are heterosexual.” At the look of puzzlement on Barry’s
face, he added,”You’re not gay.”
“Well, gosh darn professor, thats amazing! Sign me up for
logic!”
Barry went home to tell Billy Bob about how great college
was. He said that he signed up for the class Logic.
Billy Bob asked, “What’s logic?”
“Well, it’s difficult to explain,” said Barry, “so I’ll show
you. Do you own a weedwacker?”
“Actually, I don’t.” said Billy Bob.
Barry said, “You’re a queer aintcha!!!”

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, ‘What is this, Father?’The father (never having seen an elevator) responded ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.’While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.The father said to his son, ‘Go get your Mother.’

What is particularly long and hard for most Southern men?

Fifth grade.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior’s 21 years old now” It�s about time we teach him about sex”.Ma said “ya know pa your right”.So pa said to junior “hey junior come on out to the porch for a second”.so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says “ya pa whatcha want”.Pa said “junior it�s about time we teach you about sex”.Junior said “sex what’s sex”.Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.Pa says to junior “see that hole in ma? watch this”. So pa starts going at it with ma.In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he�s 18 and says, “Junior what’s ma and pa doing”.Junior says “their teaching me about sex”.Junior�s brother says “sex what’s sex”.Junior says “see that hole in pa watch this”.Red One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior’s 21 years old now” It�s about time we teach him about sex”.Ma said “ya know pa your right”.So pa said to junior “hey junior come on out to the porch for a second”.so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says “ya pa whatcha want”.Pa said “junior it�s about time we teach you about sex”.Junior said “sex what’s sex”.Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.Pa says to junior “see that hole in ma? watch this”. So pa starts going at it with ma.In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he�s 18 and says, “Junior what’s ma and pa doing”.Junior says “their teaching me about sex”.Junior�s brother says “sex what’s sex”.Junior says “see that hole in pa watch this”.Red

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