Category: rednecks

When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.Your favorite fruit is chicken.

BACKUP – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE – Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern

BUG – The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE – What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE – Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker

CRASH – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited

DIGITAL – The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer

FAX – What you lie about to the

IRS HACKER – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM – Where the pope lives

SCREEN – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT – A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR – Amtrak’s Employee of the year

SCSI – What you call your week-old underwear

How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?

Two.

One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of
bottles of Bud.
Bubba says, “Looked that up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re
going to get busted far drinking’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinking’
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat.”
“What far?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talking’ Okay?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and
each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No, sir�, said Earl. “Web�s on the patch!”

How do you castrate a red neck?

kick his siter in the jaw!

You think cur is a breed of dog.People hear your car long before they see it.Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

did you know the toohbrush was invented in Arkansas?……………….if it was made anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush

You just might be a Redneck if:

You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as ” your senior year.”
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

You’re a redneck if…. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of
your car.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.

36 things you’ll never hear from a Redneck…

1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”
2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”
3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”
6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”
7. “No kids in the back of the pick-up…it’s not safe.”
8. “Professional wresslin’s fake.”
9. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
10. “We’re vegetarians.”
11. “Do you think my hair is too big?”
12. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
13. “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
14. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”
15. “Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
16. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”
17. “Spitting is such a nasty habit.”
18. “I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”
19. “Trim the fat off that steak.”
20. “Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.”
21. “The tires on that truck are too big.”
22. “I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”
23. “I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”
24. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
25. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”
26. “My fiance is registered at Tiffany’s.”
27. “I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”
28. “She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”
29. “Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”
30. “Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.”
31. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.”
32. “Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.”
33. “I believe you cooked those green beans too long.”
34. “Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.”
35. “Elvis who?”
36. “Checkmate”

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.

“I believe it’s your radiator,” said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

“A cow just gave me advice about my car!” he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. “The cow with two big black spots on it?” the farmer asked slowly.

“Yes! Yes! That’s the one!” the excited man replied.

“Oh. Well, that’s Ethel,” the farmer said, turning back to the man. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”