Category: rednecks

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

How does a Redneck practice safe sex?

He puts X’s on the cows that kick.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women
lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the
women don’t seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up
to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
“Excuse me,” he says, taking the guy aside, “but I’ve been trying to meet one
of those women for about an hour now, and I just can’t seem to get anywhere with
them. You’re French. You know these women. What do they want?”
“Maybe I can help a little beet,” says the Frenchman. “What you do eyes you go
to zee store. You buy a little bikini seeming suit. You walk up and down zee
beach. You meet girl very weekly zees way.”
“Wow! Thanks!” says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a
skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up
and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. “I’m sorry to bother you again,” he says,
“but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven’t been able to
meet a girl.”
“Okay,” says the Frenchman, “I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You
buy potato. You put potato in seeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You
will meet girl very, very weekly zees way.”
“Thanks!” says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it
in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he
walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can’t
take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
“Look�, he says, “I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and
down the beach– and still nothing! What more can I do?”
“Well,” says the Frenchman, “maybe I can help you a little beet. Why don’t you
try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee seeming suit?”

You’re a redneck if…. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer
bottle.

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.” The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?” Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.” The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?” The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

A man is driving through the country. Just as it’s getting dark
his front left tire goes flat, and he is without a spare. He
walks up to the nearest house and asks to spend the night. The
farmer, being a generous soul, says, “Sure thing, but only on
one condition. I’ll be putting you in the same bed as my
daughter, but I don’t want you touching her. So I’m going to put
a row of eggs between the two of you to make sure there’s no
messing about.” The man sees no problem with this, and the
farmer treats him to dinner.

The daughter is there, and the man sees that she is the most
beautiful woman that he has ever seen. He can’t keep his eyes
off her, and she can’t keep her eyes off him. That night, they
make wild passionate love on the bed, breaking eggs and spilling
yolk everywhere. In order to fool the farmer, the man and the
farmer’s daughter come up with a plan. It takes all night, but
they manage to get all of the eggs glued back together by
sunrise. They then fall asleep, exhausted.

The next morning the farmer wakes them up and collects the eggs.
He goes into the kitchen and proceeds to make breakfast. The
farmer cracks the first egg… nothing. He cracks the second
egg… nothing. By this time the farmer’s face is getting red.
He cracks a third egg… nothing. In a rage, the farmer gets out
his rifle, runs right past the startled man, and shoots the
chickens.

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

17 and under are not admitted.

You might be a redneck if the jack-o-lantern on your front porch has more teeth than you do.

34 Things You’ll Absolutely Never Hear a Southerner Say

1. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
2. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
3. You can’t feed that to the dog.
4. I thought Graceland was tacky.
5. No kids in the back of the pick-up; it’s not safe.
6. Wrasslin’s fake.
7. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
8. We’re vegetarians.
9. Lee, do you think my hair is too big?
10. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
11. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
12. Who’s Richard Petty?
13. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
14. Deer heads detract from the decor.
15. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
16. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
19. The tires on that truck are too big.
20. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
21. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
22. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
23. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
24. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
25. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
26. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
27. Checkmate.
28. She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
31. I don’t have a favorite college team.
32. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
33. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
34. Elvis who?

Q. What do you call a room full of 32 rednecks?

A. 32 teeth.

You’re a redneck if…. You ever took a six-pack to a job interview.

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

* When approaching a four-way sto`, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

* Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

* Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

* If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

* Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Redneck Dining Out

* Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Entertaining in Your Home

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

* If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.

* If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette

* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

* Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

* When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

* A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions

* Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

* Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.

* It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

* Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered poor manners to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

* The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

* Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.