Category: rednecks

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle
covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a
farmer leaning on a fence. “Think it’s safe to cross?” the man asked.

“I reckon so,” replied the farmer.

The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was
so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the
surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, “I thought
you said I could safely drive through this puddle!”

“Well, shoot!” said the farmer, scratching his head. “It only come up
chest-high on my ducks!”

One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken
wire. His father said, ‘Son, where are you going?’ The son replied, ‘I’m going
to catch me some chickens.’ The father said, ‘Son, you can’t catch chickens with
chicken wire.’ But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father
thought, ‘I guess he knows what he’s doing.’ The next morning, the son got up
and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, ‘Son, where are
you going?’ The son replied, ‘I’m going to catch some ducks.’ The father yelled,
‘You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!’ The son insisted that he knew what he
was doing.

Awhile later, the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father
thought, ‘Shoot, I guess he does know what he’s doing!’ The next morning the son
got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of puss willows. The father
said, ‘Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!’

man is it me or is his neck redder then her shirt

You might be a redneck if……

You have ever put your blood hound in layaway

You have washed your dishes in the front yard with the sprinkler on the side of a busy highway

What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!

You’re a redneck if…. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

How come redneck murders are so hard to solve? They dont have dental records and the DNA is all the same

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter.”
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, “bubba.”
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. “Winders 95” has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don’t read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee
options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with
Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

you might be a redneck if you have been on television more than 5 times decribing what the tornado sounded like

–Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
–While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
–Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if
you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
–Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
–Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and
a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a
good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.”What’s logic?” asked the first redneck.The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a Weedeater?””I sure do,” answered the redneck.”Then, I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.”That’s real good,” the redneck responded in awe.The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”Impressed, the redneck shouted, “Amazin!””And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.””Betty Mae! This is incredible!””Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.”You’re absolutely right!” exclaimed the redneck. “That’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard… I can’t wait to take this here logic class.”The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.”So what classes are ya takin”? the friend asked.”Math, history, and logic,” replied the first redneck.”What in tarnation is logic”? asked his friend.”Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater”?”No,” his friend replied.”You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

Dear Son:Your Paw has a job. It’s the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don’t know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot.Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I’m using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather’s picture.Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can’t write on it very well, so I’m using it to wrap Paw’s lunch. Take care of yourself.Maw