Jesus and the Redneck

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the
waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and
asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes�, so the
Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled
over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot
tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked�, Is that Jesus over
there?” The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of
hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there sweet thang,how’s
about getting’ me a cold glass of RC!” He too, looked across the restaurant and
asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck
said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said,
“For your kindness, you are healed�. The Irishman felt the strength come back
into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said, “For your
kindness, you are healed�. The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he
raised up his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Hey,
man, don’t touch me…… I’m drawing’ disability!!!!!”

Free Sex in Redneck Jokes

There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase it’s sales,
so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”

Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the
proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex
this time but maybe next time”.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in
again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the
correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry,
it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is
rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”. The buddy replied, “No, it’s not
rigged — my wife won twice last week�.

Signs you’re a redneck Jedi;

-You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

-You can easily describe the taste of a Wok.

-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

-The worst part of spending time on Deborah is the dad gum skitters.

-Woolies are offended by your B.O.

-You has ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have
to wait for a commercial.

-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

-Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side…it’ll be a hoot.”

-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.

-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through
the window.

-Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabber the Hut had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

-If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

Police pulling her over

There was a women with blond hair, and she was driving her husbands truck.A while after she got on the road she heard police sirens so she pulled over.She said,”whats the problem officer?”

“Maam do you know that you’re swirving all over the road?”

“ya i know there is this little tre in front of me and i can’t go around it”

the officer said”that’s an air freshener.

The Redneck Capenter…

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, –
“A long time. We’re gonna build a house…”

Farm Trucks

Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

They’re too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver’s side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape.

Top speed is only about 45 mph.

Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.