Category: rednecks

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”

The cowboy replied, “See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.”

“That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a

china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.

The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”

“That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

You might be a redneck if…

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

You might be a redneck if…You keep a chainsaw in the trunk “just in case”. You’ve given your gun a woman’s name. Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools. You go to the post office to research your family tree. You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can. Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up. You see a forest fire and think ‘Bar-bee-Q’. You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter. Your mother is hairier than your father. Instead of flossing you use a plunger. You take the back window out of your pickup because it’s easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way. When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.Your grandma can bench press atruck axle.You watch “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and have to find someone to explain it to you.Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you’ve met your future wife.When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family. Your favorite fruit is chicken.You think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area are not too bright. At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.

You might be a redneck if…You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy. The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats. You’ve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that’s holding it together. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale. You’ve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, “I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.” Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.You think the internet is a new fishing tool. There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it. Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar. You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.Your kids can’t go out for Hollween because there’s nobody within walking distance to get candy from.You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars, trucks building materials). Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper. The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?) Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, “just in case”.You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

You’re a redneck if …. You ever ate road kill for dinner.

You’re a redneck if…. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in
the same grade.

1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False2. A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit. True or False3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False14. Foetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False25. Oral Sex is when you sit and talk dirty to each other.

Billy Joe and Betty-Sue get married and Billy Joe whisks her away to his daddy’s hunting cabin in the woods for a romantic ‘nature honeymoon’.

He carries her across the threshold and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
‘Billy Joe, be gentle, I air’ never been with a man b’fore.’

‘WHAT?’
shouts Billy Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head. Billy Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and races out the door, into his truck…
down the mountain…
straight to his parents house… rushes inside screaming,
‘Hey Daddy! Paw! Git up!�

His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
‘Billy Joe, what’re you doin’ here?’

Billy Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps,
‘Well, Betty-Sue and I was in the cabin and she toll me she ain’t never been with a man afore… so’s I rushed outta there an’ lit back here quick as I could.’

His father grasps Billy Joe’s shoulder in reassurance and says,
‘Son, ya done the right thing. Iffin she ain’t good’nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain’t good’nuff fer ours!’

You’re a redneck if …. You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled
Banner.

You might be a redneck if you climb to the top of a water tower with a bucket
of paint to defend your sister�s honor.

You’re a redneck if…. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.