Category: rednecks

You grow your sideburns longer and fuller because it looks so good on your
sister

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. ‘Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.’

‘Great,’ says Sam, ‘after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.’

As Enoch is leaving he stops, ‘Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin!’

‘Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.’

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’, too.’

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. ‘Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

Once again Enoch turns from the door. ‘I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.’

‘Now that’s not a problem’ says Sam, ‘Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there … by the way, what should I wear to the party?’

Enoch stops in the door again and says ‘Whatever you want, it’s just gonna be the two of us!’

You might be a redneck if…You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. Red Man sends you a Christmas card. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

— She’s uglier than homemade soap.
— Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it
said ‘To be continued.’
— He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
— Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
— The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead
— Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart�.
Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart�.

You’re a redneck if…. After making love you ask your date to roll down the
window.

You refer to your mother and mother in-law as duel air bags.

You know you’re a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister
and he only has to shake one hand.

You’re a redneck if…. You bring your dog to work with you.

u might be a redneck if your grandma comes out of the resront bathroom screaming come take a look at this one guys it is a winner

You’re a redneck if …. You refer to the duct tape on your car as “chrome”.

You might be a redneck if you have ever flipped your riding mower.