Category: rednecks

You have got more bumper stickers than children.our wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

You’re a redneck if….
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite
Sam mud flaps.

Some rednecks were sitting around talking about how smart their dogs were. One redneck spoke up and said, “I’ll tell you what boys, I house trained my hound dog Jake when he was just a pup. When he pooped on the floor, I would stick his nose in it and throw him out the door.””Now,” he continued, “when he poops on the floor, he sticks his own nose in it and jumps out the window.”

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don’t use it because they won’t come down your driveway to get it.The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife…. and wave to her.

A good ol’ boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said “Howdy! How’d y’all liie to come on over to my house and we can have a real good time?”

“I’m not too sure,” she replied, “where exactly are you from?”

“I’m from Kentucky, way up in the hills.”

“Oh, I’ve heard about you guys from Kentucky,” she said, “you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens…”

He replied in a very indignant tone, “CHICKENS?!”

It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.

*If your computer has a sticker on it that says “Protected by Smith and
Wesson”
*If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone

*If your wife said either the computer goes or she goes and you still don’t
miss her.
*If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
*If you refer to your computer as “Old Bessie”
*If your e-mails all start with “Howdy y’all”
*If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
*If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com”
*If the bumper sticker on your truck says “my other computer is a laptop”.
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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.”What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge Pickup,” said the Pastor.”Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?””No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever.”

You’re a redneck if….
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: “for a good time
call�, because you feel guilty about putting it there.

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a
year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was
anything he should do.
“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge
Pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can
find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”
The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”
“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever�.

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, “This one will go a little over a 100”.

Astonished the Yankee said, “Who are you trying to fool? You can’t weigh a pig that way”.

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, “Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man”.

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, ” This here pig weighs about 100 pounds”.

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, “Ma says she will be right down after she’s finished weighing the mailman”.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaa…”