Category: quotes

“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.”

– Ernest Menaul

640K ought to be enough for anybody -Bill Gates,1981

Bella Abzug

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me
it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother
know THAT?
– Wendy Liebman

‘WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK’ From the book, ‘Dave Barry Turns 50’ 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe ‘Daylight Saving Time’.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.11. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’.12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out ‘THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT’, and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out ‘SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT’. Then the next time, it spits out ‘FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT’. And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.14. Nobody is normal.15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce: -the universe is even bigger than they thought! -there are even more subatomic particles than they thought! -whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: -If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical; -If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability; -If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s ‘born-on’ date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product – as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign – it’s because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as ‘Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention’, I would quit my job to work for his campaign. 19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.20. You should not confuse your career with your life.21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.24. Your friends love you anyway.25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent LifeHelp Keep the Kitchen Clean – Eat OutHousework Done Properly Can Kill YouCountless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal LivesMy next house will have no kitchen — just vending machinesA Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is DeliriousNo Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

“I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on”
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red sea.

“Scattered showers my ass”
-Noah

“Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same”
-Oscar Wilde

“I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better”
-any man who has been married

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants”
-A. Whitney Brown

“I told you I was Sick!”
-On a tombstone

“Gay Motherfucker!”
-English professor giving an example of an oxymoron

“What the hell are you trying to say?”
-any dog looking at its owner

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies”
-Kermit the Frog

“You want What on the fucking ceiling?”
-Michaelangelo

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s
Get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
* Rest stop off Route 81, WV

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!

God is dead. – Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. – God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, NY

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going
to have trouble with it.
* Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

You’re too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly
Hills,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly
Hills, CA

~~~~~ and from the once famous Bird House, Bird Creek, AK
(before it burnt down; south of Anchorage) — hello Leroy!

These candy bars taste like cotton.

For sale or trade: one blind crab for one without teeth.

Birthdays come only once a year … I’m glad I’m not a birthday.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We aim to please: aim too please.

Is intercourse here to stay, or are people just screwing around?

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Help stamp out graffiti.

Graffiti is the ‘handwriting on the wall’

Confuses say many who shits in the woods finds flies on his return.

Eat Shit: a billion flies can’t be wrong.

Eat Sheep: a thousand Utah coyotes can’t be wrong.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. – Jackie GleasonWhy does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, ‘Oh my God… I could be eating a slow learner.’ – Lynda Montgomery

“I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. “Please, I’ll only put
it in for a minute.” What am I, a microwave?”

– Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

“… It’s easy if you try.”

– Lennon

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

– Marx

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!’ ‘Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.’ ‘As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses.’ ‘Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. Last one off the plane must clean it.’ ‘Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. At Southwest Airlines we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!’ ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’ ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.’ ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.’ ‘Thank you for flying with us today, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’