Category: quotes

“We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free
his hands for masturbation.”

– Jane Wagner

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and thevalue of nothing.An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets allthe wounded.A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun isshining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things hepredicted yesterday didn’t happen today.A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks thepersonality to be an accountant.An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, becausethat decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on theplane. (Laurence J. Peter)A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know youhad in a way you don’t understand.A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black catwhichisn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between acoffee cup and a doughnut.A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls ita “brief.” (Franz Kafka)A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautifulwoman enters the room.A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think s/heliked children.A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist andtells you the time.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a waythat you will look forward to the trip.

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me.”
– Bobcat Goldthwait

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have
been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and
cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against
him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor,
and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
– The Constitution of the United States of America Amendment 6, 1791

(collected by actual journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired

I learned to put the [toilet] seat down…
it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being.

– Ralph Noble

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

– Dan Quayle, Former U.S. Vice-President

“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!'”

The problem was his poetry, which was of the Naturalistic school and
leaned heavily on the S alliteration: “Sad, sorrow-sunk survivors of a
sadistic society, saturated with strong, stiff stench of stifling
strife…”

– Patrick F. McManus

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you’d make a nice sandwich.On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let’s see those evolutionists figure THIS one out.And on the 8th day God said, “OK Murphy, you take over.”

I know the day it happens. On August 29, 1997 it’s going to
feel pretty f**king real to you too. Anybody not wearing two
million sun block is going to have a real bad day. Get it?

– Sarah Conner (played by Linda Hamilton), in Terminator 2: Judgement
Day, offers a cheery thought for the day.

We spend the first six years teaching our children to walk and talk, and
the next fifteen years telling them to shut up and sit down.

The key to failure is trying to please everybody.

If you want people to remember you, owe them money.

If at first you don’t succeed…skydiving is probably not for you.