Category: quotes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.

– J. Handy

“Sometimes I think astronauts are the luckiest people on earth, but only
when they’re in space.”

– Alan Smithee

“Sometimes when I’m sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as
Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works,
’cause the light always turns green.”

– Troy Peterson

“Everything worthwhile has already been invented.”

– director of the US Patent Office, 1899.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry

Not only is there no God, but try to get a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen in Getting Even

You don’t sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. –Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese FoodCollaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. –Robert HeinleinWhom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.An American is a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.Graduate life — it’s not just a job, it’s an indenture.Hlade’s Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person — they will find an easier way to do it.There’s no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.Taxes, n.: Of life’s two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. –Ambrose Bierce, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’Teamwork is essential — it allows you to blame someone else.A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money… as well as afterward.

1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other
people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?

22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as
quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.”

– Bella Abzug

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

These are some of Homer Simpson’s quote from Season 1 & 2

Season 1

It says it’s for dogs, but she can’t read.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
light bulb.
Unlike most of you, I am not a but.
When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of
a bottle. They’re on TV!
As far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.
And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t
like it.
I can understand how they wouldn’t let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke
cigars?
I couldn’t very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store could I?

Season 2

It’s a fixer-upper. What’s the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here…
Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the
right-no the duty-to make a complete ass of myself.
Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
You heard me. I won’t be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My
baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
And anyone can be tooted?
English! Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
A hundred bucks! For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-malangelo?

“On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we
can open all our own jars.”

– Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)