Category: quotes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve BluestoneHave you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George CarlinYou have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol LeiferI have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed BluestoneThe second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. Jackie GleasonI went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ Jay LenoI dated this girl for two years — and then the nagging started: ‘I wanna know your name…’ Mike BinderAdvertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen LeacockThe reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger SimonYou have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough. Pearl WilliamsI’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave EdisonIf it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. George GobelDon’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.13. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Parital birth abortion–the best thing since sliced bread!

“Never eat more than you can lift!” — Miss Piggy

“If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably
choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin
Mary.”
– Margaret Atwood

Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)…………………………………………Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I wasconvulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.Room service? Send up a larger room.Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let thatfool you. He really is an idiot.Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.I must confess, I was born at a very early age.I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me asmembers.It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honour; which is probably more than she ever did.Women should be obscene and not heard.After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the hostboth sat down at center stage. Host: ‘I’m a big fan of yours, Groucho.’ Groucho: ‘If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.’Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?Time wounds all heels.Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorceand so will my wife.Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stewthem like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarbdoes. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.Whatever it is,… I’m against it.A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere…and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment
is due.

Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need
baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you’re down there

Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)…………………………………………Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I wasconvulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.Room service? Send up a larger room.Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let thatfool you. He really is an idiot.Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.I must confess, I was born at a very early age.I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me asmembers.It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honour; which is probably more than she ever did.Women should be obscene and not heard.After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the hostboth sat down at center stage. Host: ‘I’m a big fan of yours, Groucho.’ Groucho: ‘If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.’Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?Time wounds all heels.Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorceand so will my wife.Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stewthem like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarbdoes. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.Whatever it is,… I’m against it.A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.
– Albert Einstein

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats…they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free…Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Montana-At least our cows are sane!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like
the IRS..

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

No radio – Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I subport publik edjekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can’t.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking…I’m reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.

When you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose
… it’s how drunk you get

– Homer J. Simpson