Category: quotes

Elayne Boosler

The important thing is never to stop questioning.

– Albert Einstein

Lily Tomlin

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes…
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Drive carefully,
It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Don’t worry about the world ending today…
It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full..of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans..we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. (It’s more like Splat!)Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves..and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones. It’s very hard to “get jiggy with it” in midlife..jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself..and your chins follow suit.Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you’d need a control top flea collar.Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions– what is life, why am I here..how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

“What are you gonna do then? Let out the dogs? or the bees? or dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?”

“My son, when you are in a sport, it isn’t about winning or loosing..it’s
about how drunk you gets”

“Bart, a woman is excactly like a beer. They look good, they smell good,
and you would kill your own mother to get one”

“Kill my boss?! Do I really dare to live out the american dream?”

“Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are just made up, just like fearies, trolls
and eskimos.”

“Ohh, I love your newspaper. Especially the part with ‘increase your
vocabulary’. I find it very…very…very…good.”

“Miss! Give me the number to 911!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS:My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.Home is where the house is.Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: “A truck!”If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words “dot com” to the end of everything you say, dot com.I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.THIRD RUNNER UPI don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.SECOND RUNNER UPI once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.FIRST RUNNER UPI gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.WINNERIf we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

1. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like
to interrupt her.

2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.

3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on
the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God
created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then,
neither God nor man has rested.

5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About
5 drinks.

7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Grafton Street and said “I haven’t eaten anything in
four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I
had your willpower.”

8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. Young Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he
marries her.” Dad: “That happens in every country, son!”

10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

11. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once.

12. First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.

14. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

16. Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

17. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t
know son, I’m still paying!”

18. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first
name was “Always.”

Just a few thoughts from 1999….by Steven Wright A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…GO FIGURE! If Fed Ex & UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If quitters never win & winners never quit, what fool came up w/”Quit while you’re ahead”? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me…they were cramming for their finals. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do…write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there? If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? Clones are people two. If a man says something in the woods & there are no women there, is he still wrong? Go ahead & take risks….just be sure that everything will turn out OK. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag? Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic. If a person w/multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? I went for a walk last night & my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.” We know the speed of light…so what’s the speed of dark? How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you’re sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it’s zero degrees outside today & it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

“Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not
true. I have the heart of a young boy — in a jar on my desk.”

– Steven King

You’ll never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairdo. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Follow your dream — unless it’s the one where you go to work in your underwear. The one thing that separates us from the animals is that we’re not afraid of vacuum cleaners. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

– Jack Nicholson