Category: quotes

Freedom begins between the ears.

– Edward Abbey

Everybody loves some bawdy sometime. Definitions: Hale-Bop………Healthy Fuck Heaven’s Gate….Microsoft Mansion”Man, that little bastard smells.No wonder they call him Pooh.” — Christopher RobinMarauders 101: Always remember to pillage & rape BEFORE you burn!A lady is one who never shows herunderwear unintentionally. — American writer, Lillian Day (b. 1893)Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? (to some of you twits out there… don’t bother answering this question, IT’S JUST A JOKE!)

I took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.

Beer is good food.

– John Goodman

“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.'”

– George Burns

Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.”Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.Cripes: My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ who would that be, Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it. Then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) “Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95/min. to say “I’m not in the mood.”

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
-Delta Burke

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle
maintenance.
-Tim Allen

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think
there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,
“I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
-Jerry Seinfield

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
start all over again.
-Joan Rivers

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
-Tim Allen

These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and
pretend like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.

I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in
the window: “Help Wanted” and “Self Service”. So I went in and
hired myself.

I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said,
“Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” I said,
“Yeah, but I wasn’t gonna be out that long.”

My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the
hospital. I got poisoning today, I don’t know when I’m gonna use
it.

I’m writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is
what started global warming.

I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else’s property.

During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator
with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this
and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I
said I dunno my calender doesn’t have any sevens.

I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don’t know how I got
there.

I was at work and a man came in and asked, “If I melt dry ice
can I swim without getting wet?”

If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn
on my head lights would they do anything?

I can levetate birds but nobody cares.

It’s a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they’d
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the
live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.

“Death is every man’s final critic.
To die well you must live bravely.”

– Edward Abbey

Rodney Dangerfield jokes A girl phoned me the other day and said …. Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.If it weren’t for pick-pocketers I’d have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn’t born a boy…. I’d have nothing to play with.During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.One day as I came home early from work ….. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy …. Hey buddy …. why are you doing that for? He said …. Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.When I was born …. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father …. I’m very sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through.My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ….. do you think we’ll ever find them? He said … I don’t know kid …. there are so many places they can hide.On Halloween …. the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year… one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different…when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me? He said… I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect. My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him …. If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion. He said …. Alright…. you’re ugly. When I was born the doctor took one look at my face … turned me over and said. Look … twins!

Katharine Hepburn

Charlotte Whitton