Category: quotes

Some more things to ponder

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1. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.2. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zig-zag.3. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?4. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.5. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.6. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.7. If a person with multiple personalitis theatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?8. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?9. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?10. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?11. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”12. So what’s the speed of dark?13. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?14. How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?15. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?16. If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?17. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.18. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?19. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?21. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?22. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?23. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?24. How come abbreviated is such a long word?25. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?26. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Affimrations from the outer limits

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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they really pissed me off!

Cats teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Seize the day�then go back to bed!

Don�t take life so seriously. It�s not permanent.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Money can�t buy happiness. But is sure makes misery easier to live with.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can put on someone else�s desk today.

Therapy is expensive. Poppin� bubble wrap is cheap. You choose!

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines and never get back to you.

It takes 42 muscles to frown but only four to extend my middle finger and tell someone to bite me!

Dan Quayle Quotes

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Some classic mistakes from Dan Quayle:

It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I
mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this
century. I didn’t live in this century.

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.

Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a
challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we’re
going forward to tomorrow or whether we’re going to go past to
the–to the back!

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is.

Classic–Add one little bit on the end… Think of “potatoe”,
how’s it spelled? You’re right phonetically, but what else…?
There ya go… all right!