Category: quotes

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

6. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (And I can’t get anything happening in my hibachi without gasoline.)

Maryon Pearson

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Is it possible to be totally partial? What’s another word for thesaurus? If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Why is bra singular and panties plural? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? –Submitted by Angela Tuttle

“If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you’d find
that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one
of them would know the theme song from the ‘Beverly Hillbillies’.”

– Dave Barry

“Dancing’s never been one of my strong points. I guess you could
say I have two left feet.”

– Herman Munster

“That’s what happens when they put something together in the dark.”

– Grandpa Munster:

My momma always said…
“I brought into this world and I can take you out!”

My momma always said…
“What do you think this is money doesn’t grow on trees!”

“I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me”

– Herman Melville

* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is
delirious.

* A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he has just cleaned the whole house.

* If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

* Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.

* A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

* Help keep the kitchen clean…. Eat out.

* Housework done properly can kill you.

* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone
on to lead normal lives.

* My next house will have no kitchen ….. just vending machines.

I was so poor growing up … If I wasn’t born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on
over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work…. I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”

I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox the
cat kept covering me up.

I’m so ugly… My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything
we could … but he pulled through.”

I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness – after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think
we’ll ever find them? He said, “I don’t know kid …
there are so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop and people kept
asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor “Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror … I feel like throwing up.
What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your
eyesight is perfect.”

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!'”

– Patricia Arquette

A wise woman once said:

“life is like a dick…..when it gets hard, fuck it!”

A life without tragedy would not be worth living.

– Edward Abbey