Category: quotes

Believe in your dreams, except the one in which you go to work naked.
-Anonymous

Hit any user to continue.
-Anonymous

“The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house.” — Jeff Foxworthy

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp.” — Bob Ettinger

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: — — Duh.” — Conan O’Brien

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God…. I could be
eating a slow learner.” —Lynda Montgomery

“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” — Roseanne

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'” — Richard Jeni

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
— Paul Rodriguez

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that’s the law.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” — Warren Hutcherson

“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of
Congress…But I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait.” — A. Whitney Brown

“We have women in the military, but we don’t put them in the
front lines. We don’t know if they can fight or if they can
kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'” — Elayne Boosler

Only a fool would leave the enjoyment of rainbows
to the opticians. Or give the science of optics
the last word on the matter.

– Edward Abbey

When someone says, “It can’t be done,” they’re usually right.
They can’t do it.

– Harvey Mackay

Always pull up survey stakes.

– George Hayduke

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again. 10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ”Where the heck is the ceiling?!” 12. My Reality Check, bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. 15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like you they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Eternal nothingness is okay if you’re dressed for it.
Woody Allen in Getting Even

Sanity statistics say that one out of every four Americans suffer from
some sort of mental illness. Look at your three closest friends…if they
are okay, then it’s you.
–Rita Mae Brown

I don’t like to advocate drugs, alcohol, narcotics or insanity to
anyone. . . but they’ve always worked for me.

– Hunter S. Thomson

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.

– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

“Sex is one of the most beautiful and natural things that money can buy.”

“I gave my cat a bath the other day…He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was
fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…”

“What? You been keeping records on me? I wasn’t so bad! How many times did
I take the Lord’s name in vain? One million and six? Jesus Ch—“

“In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage…it’s like those French
have a different word for everything.”

“I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can
look up her dress.”

“I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was…an
arctic region covered with ice.”

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it
on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of
my driveway!

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I
hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park
anywhere near the place.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so
fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing?
This steers it.”

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
“Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes,
officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
“Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t
believe everything I read.”

I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)…and says, “Here, you
can go.”

The judge asked, “What do you plea?” I said, “Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back
the entire area was missing.