Category: quotes

‘Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.”Procrastination means never having to say you’re sorry.”Being politically correct means always having to say you’re sorry.”Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.’ (Gravestone Inscription)’On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.”Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?”Trust in God, but lock your car.”Given a conflict, Murphy’s law supercedes Newton’s.”If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re a precipitate.”To err is human. And stupid.”A king’s castle is his home.”Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.”Work is a fine thing if it doesn’t take too much of your spare time.”Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.”If you can’t dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!”Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.”High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.”You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.’

Bette Davis

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s
going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?”
I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With
Pail…Kitten On Fire…

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are
furious!

My roomate got a pet elephant and lost it. It’s in the room somewhere.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got
there.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I’ll throw it at them.

Erma Bombeck

– Some mornings, it just ain’t worth chewing through the leather
straps.

– Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

– Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

– Oh, wait, sorry, I didn’t mean to look interested.

– DAMMIT, YOU’RE STILL TALKING?!

– Sex on the television can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

– Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

– Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

– I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

– Ya know what, it really don’t matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I piss you off in the process.

– Pissed off? Hey, it’s better than being pissed on.

– I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.

– I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

– It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

– Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

– We’re born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

– God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

– Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.

– Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.

– Love thine enemies…it REALLY pisses them off.

– Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

– You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

– Gravity sucks.

– There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.

Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat
cause children.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait.
–A. Whitney Brown

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

“What fells like smish?”
By dyslexic Bob in a girls
locker room.

Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away – and barefoot.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never triedMy idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.A closed mouth gathers no feet.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Society is like a stew.
If you don’t keep it stirred up,
you get a lot of scum on top.

– Edward Abbey

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing, “This looked much better on….” I usually finish the sentance for
them if I can, and say, “On what? On fire?”
–Rita Rudner