Category: quotes

More quotes

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“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat
pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? ‘Don’t eat pork. God
has spoken.’ Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to
outsmart everybody?” –Jon Stewart

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how
to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to
swim.’ ” –Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” –Warren Hutcherson

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp.” –Bob Ettinger

“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary
and they would only play with each other.” –Rita Rudner

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on
the pumpkin.” –Winston Spear

“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually bought a congressman.” –Bruce Baum

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.” –Ron
Richards

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I
think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
–Ellen DeGeneres

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what
to feed it.” –Steven Wright

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” –Jerry
Seinfeld

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ ” –Richard Jeni

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be
eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

Homer Simpson quotes

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1. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.2. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?3. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose… it’s how drunk you get.4. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.5. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.6. Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful…magical animal.7. Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who’s being naive?8. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That’s because you were drunk! Homer: And how!9. Operator! Give me the number for 911?10. Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!11. Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here? Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge. Homer: Ummm… revenge? Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here. (step step step step step…slam)12. Homer: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!13. Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?14. Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)15. Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.Homer: Ooo, that’s bad.Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!Homer: That’s good!Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.Homer: That’s bad.Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!Homer: That’s good!Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate…Homer: (confused look)Old man: That’s bad.Homer: Can I go now?16. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.17. Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.Homer: Okay, I will!18. Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy.19. Marge: Homer, did you call the audience ‘Chicken’?Homer: No! I swear on this bible!Marge: That’s not a bible. That’s a book of carpet samples.Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy.20. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!Homer: Did you wreck the car?Bart: No.Homer: Did you raise the dead?Lisa: Yes.Homer: But the car’s okay?Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.Homer: All right then.21. Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat…22. (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch)23. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.