Category: puns / word play

A king had a gorgeous daughter of wedding age. Three princes wanted to
marry the princess. So the king said, “Whoever can bring me back the most
ping pong balls gets to marry the my daughter.” So the three princes went
out looking for ping pong balls.

The first prince came back with his horse carrying two sacks filled with
ping pong balls. He figured he made it with no problem.

Then, the second prince came back with ten horse carrying sacks filled
with ping pong balls on each horse. He thought he would make it all the
way.

Finally, the third prince came back. He was all beat up. His clothes were
all ripped up, black and blue eyes, skinned knees, and the rest of him was
completely demolished. The king asked, “What happened? You didn’t find any
ping pong balls?”

The prince said, “What the hell do you mean ping pong balls! I thought you
said king kong’s balls!”

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

“I would like a loan of �30,000 please.” he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. “Thirty thousand pounds? That’s a lot of money, you know.” says Paddy, “You’ll need a collateral for that amount of money.”

“That’s okay,” says the frog, “I have this.” And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. “What’s this? I can’t accept this as collateral.” “Don’t worry,” says the frog, “I know the manager, he’s a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.”

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager’s office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says “There’s a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow �30,
000… he gave this as collateral… what on earth is it?”

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says… “It’s a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Q. What does D.N.A. stand for? A. National Association of Dyslexics.

Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

Next installment of bloopers from Kermit Schafer’s book
“Blunderful World of Bloopers.”
_______________________________________________________________

Having a Ball: In a concentrated effort to apprehend the rapist,
local police are asking all women to copulate with them….uh,
that is cooperate with them.

Tough cookies: Today, lesbian forces invaded Israel…..Lebanese
forces!

Strange bedfellow: The President extended his hostility…..I
mean his hospitality…..to the visiting candidates.

In-flight rules: A stewardess had just finished distributing
in-flight refreshments consisting of mixed drinks and assorted
salted nuts when the plane hit a pocket of air turbulence. In an
effort to calm the passengers, she made the announcement, “We
are experiencing some temporary air turbulence, but it should
pass in a moment. In the meantime, please hold onto your glasses
and nuts.”

Ain’t it the truth: A local man who was arrested today for
embezzling money from his employer. More tonight after “Greed.”

Editoralizing: A prize-winning dog’s owner is suing for $10,000
in damages when his pet’s tail became caught in a crate while it
was being shipped. To extricate the pooch, part of his tail was
removed. (pause) That’s a lot of money for a piece of tail.

What a pitch: The pitcher for the New York Mets had a two shit
hutout…..er, a two hit shoutout against the Padres.

Good deal: We have a wide selection of new and used cars, so
come down right now and make an offer. Bring your wife and we
can dicker.

Loose ends: Up next is a very popular song. Andy Williams will
sing “Can’t Get Loose to Using You.”

How much would you pay: The elegant penthouse of this luxurious,
twenty-seven story resort hotel provides an expensive view of
the beach…..expansive!

Not Kosher: A four-year-old girl was rushed to the hospital
after a dog attack. Doctors will begin a series of injections to
protect her from rabbis….uh, that is rabies.

Music to the ears: The accoustics of the old cathedral have
greatly improved since the 1800’s. Much of the sound in those
days was absorbed by the voluminous skirts of the female
parishoners. Nowadays, with the emergence of the mini-skirt, the
old organ really goes to town.

Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed “Special Ross”. After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him “Leonard Cheeks”. Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched. What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: “Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin’ bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!”

Two cannibals were eating a clown.One said to the other.”Does
this taste funny to you?”

You know you are a loser when during masturbation you yell out
your own name “Oh, Oh Lou…. I mean Pamela, Pamela, Pamelou Lou”

A farmer who hired a man to help him with work around the farm.

The first day the farmer told the man to mow the lawn. While he
was mowing the lawn he saw a cat in the middle of the lawn. He
kicked the cat but it wouldn’t move. He kicked it three more
times and it still wouldn’t move. So he ran over the cat with
the lawn mower. The farmer was not happy when he heard what
happened.

The next day the man told him to nail up his fence. While he was
nailing it he found a rooster sitting on it. He pushed the
rooster four times but it wouldn’t move. So he nailed it to the
fence. When the farmer got the story, he was very mad and warned
the hired man that he has just can not screw up again.

The next day the man told him to paint his fence red. He found a
donky laying by the fence, covering the botom part of it. He
kicked the donkey four times but he wouldn’t move. So he painted
over it.

By this time the farmer was furious. He took the man to court.
When the judge asked what happened, the farmer complained, “This
man is crazy! He ran over my wife’s pussy with his mower. He
nailed my cock to the fence. And he painted my ass red!”

Crook

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name
was Mypenis?

– Mypenis ate my homework.

– Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

– Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.

– I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on
a leash.

– Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.

– Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

– I love giving Mypenis a bath.

– At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.

– Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

– Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty
pounds! me(Rob)

– Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

– Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

– Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

– I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

– I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

– Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

– I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.

– Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the
lady next door.

– If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and
hard to carry.

– Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

– Help! I can’t find Mypenis!

– Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.

– Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

– Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis
to the hospital.

– Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!