Category: puns / word play

(or will I ever forgive myself?)They say that the louder you groan at a pun, the better it is and the more jealous you are. My hand is cupped to my ear and I’m listening…———————————————————— Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘We don’t serve mushrooms here.’ The mushroom says, ‘Why?! I’m a fun guy!’ A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.’ This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ‘I’ll just have the eggs benedict.’ His order comes a while later and it’s served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, ‘Whats with the fancy plate?’ The waiter replies, ‘There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!’ Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So… the one flies over and the other one swims through — which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because ‘Da oily boid gets da woim.’ When she told me I was average she was just being mean. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, ‘How much for a beer?’ The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge.’ Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, ‘Are you all right?’ ‘No, I lost an electron!’ ‘Are you sure?’ ‘I’m positive!’ Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?Linoleum blownapart. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino. A woman goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says: ‘Try a milk bath.’She goes to the grocery clerk and asks for ‘enough milk to take a bath.’ The clerk asks: ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’The woman says: ‘Nah. Up to my chin shoulddo it.’ What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and an Italian barber?One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour-anything, that is except smoked salmon. Thus were created the world’s first anti-lox breaks. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned. Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.A scientist cloned herself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

There were three ladies that always hung out together. There was
a slight problem though, their husbands were all named Leroy.
The ladies decided to name thier Leroys after soda pop.

The first lady said, “I am going to name my Leroy 7 Up.” The
other ladies said, “Why 7Up?” She replied, “Well my Leroy has 7
inches and it is always up!”

The next lady said, “I am going to name my Leroy Mountain Dew.”
The other two ladies said, “Why Mountain Dew?” “Well,” she said,
“My Leroy likes to mount me and he likes to do me.”

The third lady was scratching her head, she could not think of a
soda pop, finally she says, “I am going to name my Leroy Jack
Daniels.” The other two ladies said, “Jack Daniels isn’t a soda
pop, it’s a hard licquor.” She replied “THAT’S MY LEROY.”

The World’s Greatest Cowboy (wgc) was captured by some Indians,
who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn. But
because he was the wgc, they would give him a last request. The
WGC said, let me talk to my horse.

So he whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse runs off, and
returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a
teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she
staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later
the horse returns.

The Indian chief says “Now we know why you are called the WGC!
That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves.
We will give you another last request.” So WGC asked to speak to
the horse again.

The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked,
beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet, blonde. WGC
takes her into the teepee, and after 3 hours, she staggers out,
and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and
returns in an hour.

The chief says “The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse,
but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are
called the WGC, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you,
but we must still kill you at dawn. But we will still give you
one more last request.”

The WGC, walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving
it a shake, says, “Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!”

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.(bonus keywords for the serach engines: Mary Poppins, Disney)

There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river.

A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat up and asked the pharmacist, “Do you have anything to stop this coffin?”

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men
how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say.
Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item
he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that
she doesn’t want.

When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her
opinions, she’s a b–ch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have been
idealized into powerlessness.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend.
Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men’s primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a
number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up
this fantasy. Most women’s primary fantasy is a relationship
with one man who either provides economic security or is on his
way to doing so (he has “potential”). For a woman, commitment to
this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment
often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a
man gives his up.

It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer
women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is
the very core of intelligence

Many years ago, a tiny island nation in the South Pacific was home to some of the finest woodworkers who ever lived. Unfortunately, no one ever found about these legendary artisans since the only pieces they ever produced were thrones for the king of the island. It was a tradition that every year, on the first day of summer, the old throne would be burned in a massive bonfire and the woodworkers would present the king with their newest masterpiece, an ornate and beautiful throne they spent all year carving and shaping. The king would rule from the new royal seat and then destroy it at the next year’s summer festival. One year, a new king ascended to the throne and spoke to his council of elders. “It’s a foolish thing to take these beautiful pieces of art and destroy them every year! Someone should save them for future generations to enjoy.” But one of his ministers quickly pointed out, “Sire, this is a small island, and much of the land has been taken. We have no room to build a museum.” Thinking quickly, the king proposed a solution. “I have the answer. We will build a second story onto the royal hut, and we shall store the thrones there.” The king’s plan worked beautifully for a few years. Every year, he would summon the strongest men on the island to carry the thrones up into the second floor of the royal hut and add them to the collection. But on the fifth year, the floor finally could take no more, and the royal hut collapsed, killing the king and his whole family. The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Once upon a time there was this young boy who was born with one eye. So
his father made him a wood-eye. One day when the boy got older he had
heard from a friend that there was a dance at the town’s local bar. He
begged his father if he could go and is father said sure. When he got
there he felt all alone because he was the only one with a handicap. Then
across the room there sat a girl who also had a handicap. She had a
hairlip. He looked at her and said, “Would you like to dance!” The girl
looked at him and said, “Would I!” He then looked at the girl and said,
“Wood-eye! Don’t call me wood-eye you pussy faced son-of-a-bitch!”

me and my tv went out to dinner yesterday i had the the occasional tv dinner my tv had the satalite dish!

Becky: Oh, Kate, you would not believe it! I gave a blowjob to a
guy last night that had a fourteen-inch dick. It was HUGE! I
wanted to fuck him so bad!

Kate: Did you tell him you wanted to fuck him instead?

Becky: Nah, that would have given him a big head.

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy,
whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with
chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with
duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.

Old man says “Wait up…. I’ll get my hat.”

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no idear.