Category: puns / word play

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.

The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn’t really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to – it had a terrible infection over it’s left eye, which it couldn’t even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.
Hey! he said, “Can’t you see that’s a bad eye deer?”

Mrs. Boots wanted to get her husband a present for his birthday
that would really mean something.
She went out and got a tattoo of his initials on her butt. B on
one cheek and another on the other.
That night when she went home she showed him. Bill said, “That’s
real nice honey but, who the hell is BOB.”

Three Indians are invited to a costume party, they have to dress
in a mood. The first comes in a dress saying, “I am in distress”
The next comes with his thumb in a pear saying, “I am in
dispair.” The last comes naked with his dick in a bottle of
custard saying, “I am fucking discusted.”

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into
the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was
never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this
rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he
continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and
found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.
On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman
with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and
deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous,
lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

“Take me now or climb the ladder to success,” she huskily
whispered.

Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of
him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or
similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6’8″ hairy biker-looking
guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward
Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, “Who are you?”

The biker answers, “I’m Cess.”

Q: Did you hear about the Indian who drank 200 cups of tea?

A: He drowned in his TeePee!

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he’d lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.” “Well…tell me!” he demanded. The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?” Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, “Give me the bad news first.” So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife’s body this morning in San Francisco Bay.” “OH MY GOD!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?” “Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.” “Huh?” he said, not understanding. “So, what’s the great news?” The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow ..right? well there is two meanings for pot, pot as in something to put stuff in or pot as in weed, now if it was pot as in weed then it would be golden weed at the end of the rainbow….so no wonder hippies like rainbows so much!!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden new that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time. Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate. One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden’s surprise, Andy simply refused to help. “But, you’re an expert. Andy, I really need your help,” said the warden. “Gosh, warden, I’d really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer’s Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer’s mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground there was a beautiful blue lake with a single fish leaping out of the water. Around the fish’s head was a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native American couples having sex.The curator, both disgusted and baffled by what he saw, turned in rage and asked the artist, ‘What the hell has this got to do with Custer’s Last Thought?’ The artist replied, ‘Custer’s last thought: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?’

After each question, your say: “Rubber Jugs and Liquor”.

Q: What did you have for breakfast?
A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

Q: What did you have for supper?
A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!
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Q: What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?

hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

1. Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can’t walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.