An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.”What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe.”Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.””Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe.”Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.
Category: puns / word play
Blow
One day, a lifeguard was sitting on her high chair at the beach.
She suddenly heard someone yell, “Dick is drowning!” She looked
toward the sea and saw a man was drowning. She assumed he was
Dick. She jumped off her high chair and ran out into the sea.
She fished him out and brought him back to shore. People
surrounded her and Dick. They gasped and one lady asked, “Is he
dead?” The lifeguard answered, “No, see he is cumming to. He
just needs a blow.”
Three donkeys
Sam:One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He married
another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a child donkey. What
did they name it?
Tim:ummm, Pardon?
Sam: Okay, well, One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He
married another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a child
donkey. What did they name it?
Tim: Pardon?
Sam: Okay, I’ll say it again. One day, there was a donkey called
pardon. He married another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a
child donkey. What did they name it?
Tim: I said it, Pardon!
Sam:Aaagh, ok, One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He
married another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a child
donkey. What did they name it?
Tim: I said it, Pardon!!!
Sam: OK, One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He married
another donkey………….
Found In Superman’s Bathroom
Q: What would you find in Superman’s bathroom?
A: Superbowl.
Costume Party
A man and his wife are getting ready to go to a custume party.
Neither is happy with what the other is wearing. After a lot of
arguing the woman storms out of the room slamming the door
behind her. She comes back completely naked with a lemon between
her legs and says, “Is that better?”
The man sees her and is very upset by her mockery and storms out
slamming the door in the same fashion she had. He comes back
with his penis shoved into a potato and says, “If you’re going
as a sour-puss I’m going as a dictator.”
Short legged…
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene
What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene
How Many Animals in a Condom
How many animals can you fit in a condom?
A cock and a few hares!
Asshole
If i was an asshole i would fart!
Two Molecules
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
“No, I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive!”
Happy Butt
Once there was a little girl. It was here first day of school
and a little boy came up to her.
“What’s your name?” He asked.
“Happy butt.” She said.
“Tell me your name or I’ll tell the teacher.”
“Happy butt.”
The teacher came up to the little girl and asked her, “What’s
your name?”
“Happy butt.”
“Tell me your name or I’ll send you to the principal.”
“Happy butt.”
The teacher sends her down to the pricipals office.
He askes her, “What’s your name.”
“Happy butt.”
“Tell me your name or I’ll call your mom.”
“Happy butt.”
The principal gets of the phone with her mom.
“You lied, your name isn’t happy butt. It’s Gladys.”
“Glad ass, happy butt, whats the difference.”
Cattle Ranching Pun
A cattle rancher was dying, and had to divide his ranch up amongst his threesons. They wanted a new name for the ranch, and the dying rancher suggested”Focus”, because that’s where the “sons raise meat” (suns rays meet)
Revenge on a Whaling Ship
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of
Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship
that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the
opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale says to
the female, “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through
our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make
them think twice about killing innocent whales.”
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the
whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that
most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by
either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get
away so easily, the male whale yells “They’re going to shore.
Let’s go gobble them up!” Suddenly, the female whale becomes
less cooperative. “Hey!”, she says, “I agreed to the blowjob,
but I’m not swallowing any seamen!”