Category: puns / word play

This cazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.

The doctor walks in and tells him – “I can clearly see your nuts!”

A woman walks into a veterinarian’s waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

“Sit, Fluffy!” she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.

“I said sit, now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, – “Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!”

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

“Please pardon me… I just washed my hare, and can’t do a damn thing with it!”

For those trying to figure out how to convert Standard to Metric, here are a few more conversions to consider:*Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi. *2,000 pounds of Chinese soup:Won ton. *Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach turtle. *16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling *Half of a large intestine:semicolon. *1 million aches: 1 megahurtz. *Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: a bananosecond. *2 wharves: 1 paradox. *2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds. *Basic unit of laryngitis:1 hoarsepower

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV-‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

There was a girl and her mother. They went to the park one day.
The mother had to go get something from the store so she told
the little girl to stay at the park and be careful. There
happened to be a little boy across the street and he wanted to
play with the little girl. So he came over and asked the girl
if she wanted to play in his front yard. The girl said “I don’t
really want to, mama told me not to.” The boy said, “I’ll give
you a quarter,” the girl said,” ok.” So they went and played
in the front yard. Then the boy said, “Want to go inside?” The
girl said, “I don’t really want to, mama told me not to.” He
said, “I’ll give you $.50.” She said “ok.” So they were
playing in the the toy room and the boy said, “Do you want to go
to my room?” The girl said, “I don’t really want to, mama told
me not to.” He said, “I’ll give you a dollar.” She said, “ok.”
She they were playing in the boy’s room, and he asked her, “Do
you want to have sex?” The girl said, “I don’t really want to,
mama told me not to.” He said, “I’ll give you two dollars.”
The girl said “ok.” So they were having sex and then the boys
mother comes home. She goes upstairs to the boys room, and
finds them having sex. She yells, “Get off my son!” The girl
says, “I don’t really want to, mama told me not to!”

Three ladies died and went to heaven. An Angel said you can do
whatever you want just dont step on the ducks, (it seemed
impossible, there were ducks everywhere). The first girl walks
in and steps on a duck. Immedietly an angel handcuffs her to the
ugliest man she had ever seen and said they would be strapped
together for all eternity. The second girl tried and the same
exact thing happend. Then finally the third girl walk in and
doesst step on a duck for three months. Finnaly an Angel
handcuffed her to the most handsome man she had ever seen. When
the Angel left she asked “I wonder what i did to deserve this.
The man replied “I dont know about you but i stepped on a duck.

Lawyer’s daughter SueLawyer’s sons Will, CourtThief’s son RobDoctor’s son BillFisherman’s son RodMeteorologist’s daughters Haley, SunnyBack Hoe operator’s sons Doug, RockyHair stylist’s sons Bob, Curly, HarryHomeopathic doctor’s son HerbJustice of the peace’s daughter MarySound stage technician’s son MikeHot-dog vendor’s son FrankGambler’s daughter BetteGambler’s Son ChipExercise guru’s son JimExercise guru’s daughter BelleCattle thief’s son RussellPainter’s son ArtIron worker’s son RustyTV show star’s daughter EmmyMovie star’s son OscarHousewife’s son DustyMinister’s daughters Faith, Hope, CharityTelevangelist’s daughter ChastityIRS agent’s daughter MonyGeneticist’s son GeneEspresso vendor’s son JoeUndertaker’s son BarryGardener’s son MoeFlorist’s daughters Rose, IrisBaker’s daughter CookieManicurist’s son HansAthlete’s son VictorLumberjack’s son GlennPlumber’s son JohnAccountant’s daughter IraMusician’s daughters Melody, HarmonyJeweler’s daughters Opal, JadeGastrointerologist’s daughter FannyPolitician’s daughter PatsyLegislator’s son Bill

Are you a BITCH?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions. The first guy says “I’m a YUPPIE, you know…
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist”

The second guy says “I’m a DINK…Dual Income, No Kids.”

The third guy says, “I’m a RUB…Rich, Urban, Biker.”

They turn to the woman and ask her, “What are you?” She replies:
“I’m a WIFE…Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

A second woman answers their question before they even ask it,
“BITCH.” “What exactly is a BITCH?!” they ask in unison. “Babe
In Total Control of Herself.” So ladies, next time somebody
calls you “Bitch”, smile and say “Thank You!!”

Q. Why did the farmer win the nobel prize?

A. Because he was outstanding in his field!

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young
lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by
her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating
whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to
cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously
in serious respiratory distress)

One said to the other, “That gal is having a bad time!” The
other agreed and said, “Do you think we should go help?” “You
bet!” said the first, and with that he ran over and said, “Can
you speak?” She shook her head no. He then asked, “Can you
breath?” She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up
her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction
and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point,
the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that
hind lick maneuver really does work!”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal’ while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named ‘Juan’.

Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds…

“But they are twins and if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”