Category: puns / word play

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Inspired by Kermit Schafer’s book “Blunderful World of Bloopers” are the
amusing and embarassing verbal or technical errors committed by announcers
and news broadcasters when sometimes one’s tang gets all tongueled in
Spoonerisms, Freudian slips and inadvertent double-entendres.

Announcement: The community is invited to a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy’s Church next Saturday….uh, that shoud be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter’s Church.

News flash: Severe weather has hit Atlantic City, New Jersey with high
winds and heavy rain. A sailor was sucked under the boardwalk by a big
Wave.

A DJ flubbed: An now we’ll hear “A Hard Man is Good to Find.”

Announcer: And now the Blonde Bed Breakers are on the air….I mean the
Bond Bread Bakers.

News: During the flood emergency, the mayor has ordered the people living
near the river to ejaculate immediately.

Donley’s Market has young fresh hens ready for the rooster…er…roaster.

Talk show host to guest: Do you find it hard getting up in the morning
since you’re a bachelor?

A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender replies “I’m sorry, We don’t serve strings”

The string, angry, runs to the bathroom and ties himself up into knots until his ends are frayed.

Then he walks back out and asks the bartender for a drink.

“Hey, aren’t you the string I just talked to?” The bartender asks.

“Nope,” Says the string, “I’m afraid not.” (a frayed knot)

Two friends get lost during a hiking trip through the desert. Several days later they are dehydrated, exhausted and starving.

Out of nowhere, they see a tree in the distance that appears to be covered with bacon. One guy sprints ahead, only to be gunned down in a hail of gunfire.

“Run!” the dying man yells out. “It’s not a bacon tree. It’s a ham bush!”

There is a man in a bar who has three bottles of beer. He takes
a gulp from one, then the other, and the other over and over
again. The bartender sees this and asks him why he is doing it.
The man replies saying,”My two brothers and I made a pact that
we would drink a beer for each other.”

“Oh” As time went by it seemed to become a ritual. Then one day
the man only had two beers instead of 3. The same bartender
asked him,”why are you only drinking two instead of three?” The
man said,”I quit drinking.”

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a
beer?”

The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SH-MAM-DAY-SHANWICHES PROLONGED
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES

Now say it 10 times.

Now what’s the first thing that you think about after you said
it 10 times?

Repeat 3 more times and asnwer this question: What is a
SHMAMDAYSHANWICHES?

Figure it out and you will get the joke, it’s easy.

A roller blader was whizzing down the sidewalk and all of a sudden disappeared into a pool of quicksand….because he took everything for granite!

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender
“do you got any grapes?””
the bartender looks up and says “”no””
the duck comes into the bar the next day and asks again
“”do ya got any grapes?””
the bartender again says “”no””
the duck comes into the bar again and asks once more
“”do you got any grapes?””
the bartender gets outraged and says
“”if you ask me that again i’ll nail your feet to the floor!!””
so the duck comes in the next day and asks
“”doyou got any nails?””
the bartender says “”no”” so the duk asks
“”do ya got any grapes?””

“

A man was in charge of offloading the grain from the ships at the harbour. Unfortunately the grain was very moist and did not get sucked up by vacuum too easily. He approached the foreman for some advice: “If at first you don’t suck seed, try a drier grain.”

I hear that, shortly after becoming President of South Africa, Nelson Mandela had to fire his newly-appointed minister of defence.

“Oh really? Why was that?””

Apparently he had spent the entire annual budget for defence on buying de barbed wire.

“

How does the brain communicate with the nerves?

With a Cell phone!