Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Category: puns / word play
Teepee/Wigwam
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”( too tense! )
The vultures are flying
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. “No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”
Trying to fix a clock
Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?” Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tocktick -tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'” The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”
Guru and Novacaine
Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Hit by a Foo
A man decided to go for a hike in the mountains, but when he got to the beginning of the trail, he was confronted by an old Indian who told him, “There are birds up in the mountains called Foo’s and they love flying right into people, and it hurts like hell. But if any of them hits you, do not, i repeat, DO NOT swear, because if you do, a whole flock will come and attack you.” So the man continued his hike, and all of a sudden, he was hit in the forehead by a Foo, and he said, “OOOWWWW! Geez, that hurt!” But he remembered what the Indian said, and he didn’t swear. A few minutes later, he was hit by another Foo in the exact same spot, but he still didn’t swear. He continued his hike once again, and he was hit by a gigantic Foo. This time he swore, “AWW SHIT, DAMNIT THAT FU*KIN HURTS!” and suddenly, a whole flock of Foo’s flew to him and starting hitting him and scratching him and pecking him. Soon, he was dead. The moral of the story is: “If the Foo hit’s, bear it”
The new French cook
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.
L-A-O
On a piece of paper, write:
L
A
O
Write it just like above on a piece of paper. Make sure that
there is no space like it shows on your screen (it shows a space
between the letters on screen). So when you write on the piece
of paper make sure they are connecting, but not right under each
other. Now turn it upside down and look at it. If you don’t see
it add a face to the O while the picture is still upside down.
He’s Not Coming Out!
This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored
and said “Every time you speed up 5MPH I’ll take some clothes
off.”
Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and
he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and
crashed into a tree.
The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to
the point where he couldn’t open it. His naked girlfriend was
fine and could get out of the car.
So, she took her boyfriend’s shoe and put it in front of her
crotch and covered her chest with her arm. She flagged down a
car. Without thinking she said “HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND
HE CAN’T GET OUT!!”
The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes
got really big. He said “If he is that far in, he’s not coming
out!”
Tuns of Puns! Part V
What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
What’s the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf’s mother?
One is Moscow, the other is cow’s ma.
Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
The Salad Bar.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a second hand store.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!
Which of these things don’t belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.
Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn’t available?
The mid woof.
Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn’t?
Because he was a little more on.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum it could be done.
Polar bear
Q. How do you catch a polar bear?
A. You need an ice saw, a can of peas, and a can opener.
To trap the bear, first cut a hole in the ice with the saw. Then open the can of peas with the can opener. Then spread the peas all around the hole. Now when the bear comes over to take a pea, you shoot him in the ice hole!
“Doing it” by profession
Accountants do it with Double EntryAcupuncturists do it with a small prickAmbulance drivers come quickerAustralians do it Down UnderBankers do it with interestBartenders do it on the RocksChess players check their MatesCops do it with cuffsDJs do it on requestDeep-sea divers do it under extreme pressureDentists do it orallyDetectives do it under coverDon’t do it with Bankers, most of them are TellersFiremen do it with a big hoseFrank Sinatra does it his wayGarbagemen come twice a weekGardeners do it in the bushesGas attendants pump all dayHousewives do it for an allowanceJockeys gallop hard and finish fastLandlords do it the 1st of every monthMountain climbers like to be on topMilitary do it on command!Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it’s freeTruckers do it in the roadTravel agents do it in lots of different placesWaiters and waitresses do it for tipsWatch out for tennis players – love means nothing to them!