Category: puns / word play

A bear walks into a bar in Butte, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Butte,”The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bar bears in Butte,”The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Butte,”The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Butte that are on drugs!”The bear says, “I’m not on drugs!”The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry-cleaning. ”Gutness, it’s hot,” she mused as she walked down Main Street.She passed by a tavern and thought, ”vy nodt?”Helga sat at thebar and the bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, ”Ya know, it’s zo hot, I tink I’ll haff myself a cold beer.”The bartender asked, ”Annhauser Busch?”Helga, surprised, replied, ”Vell fine, tanks. Undt how’s your pecker?

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A couple were out golfing one fine day when the woman’s golf
ball lands in the woods. She found the ball in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups. Trying to get her ball back in play, shed
ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

Suddenly an angelic woman is standing in front of her, “I am
Mother Nature.” she says, “You just destroyed some poor
buttercups and for that you shall pay. From now on you won’t be
able to stand the taste of any thing with butter, and will feel
nauseated every time you see it.” With that she disappeared as
quickly as she came.

When she came out of the woods she her husband has disappeared.
She screams from him and his replied was, “Honey, my ball landed
in some pussy willows…” As soon as she hears that the woman
screams, “Don’t swing! For God sake, DON’T SWING!!!”

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses.

Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:

– Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993.
– Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.
– Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.

The advice to the investor then, is, “Don’t sell until you see the heights of their thighs!”

What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall?

Dam!

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads “pull lever and end world”. The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read… “better Nate than Lever”!

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. 2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. 3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating. 6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. 8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. 9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. 10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. 11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. 12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. 13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. 15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating in your head.

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day – when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!””No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?””I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first asked, breathlessly. “Who is this man?””I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

i am gay i am gay what did i just say. say what it reads.

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring…they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home…but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

This just in:
A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated –
“I want to leave no tern unstoned”