Category: puns / word play

What do gay men do when they leave the bar?

push in their stool!

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

America’s Longest River By: Misses Hippy
Artificial Clothing By: Polly Ester
Breaking the Law By: Kermit A. Krime
Broken Beds By: Squeak E. Springs
The Color of Eggs By: Summer Brown
Danger! By: Luke Out
Don’t Hurt Me! By: I. Bruce Easley
Downpour! By: Wayne Dwops
Errors and Accidents By: Miss Takes and Miss Haps
The Fall of a Watermelon By: S. Platt
Falling Trees By: Tim Burr
French Overpopulation By: Francis Crowded
History of Texas By: Al E. Moe
Hours in the Bathroom By: R. U. Dunnyett
House Construction By: Bill Jerome Holme
How to Be Organized By: Miss Place
How to Groom Your Yard By: Ray Cleaves
I Didn’t Do It! By: Ivan Alibi
I Don’t Get It By: Anita Clew
I Love Crowds By: Morris Merrier
I Need Insurance By: Justin Case
I’ll Do It Soon By: Will B. Dunn
The Lion Attacked By: Claudia Armoff
Mineralogy for Giants By: Chris Tall
No Appreciation For Art By: Drew Lousy
Old Furniture By: Anne Teak
The Past to the Distant Future By: I. C. All
Ripping Pants By: Ben Dover
Rusty bed springs By: I.P. Nightly
Snakes of the World By: Anna Conda
Under the bleachers By: Seymore Butts
Where the Stars Are By: Horace Cope
Why Don’t Chickens Bark? By: U. R. Stupid and I. M. Stupid

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.So the other Rangers asked “why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend” So the Ranger answers “Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ”Amal.” The other goes to a family inSpain; they name him ”Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins-if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

Mike’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”

Mike says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go “tick-tock-tick-tock” anymore.
Now it just goes “tick…tick…tick.”

The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice…
Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

“Fresh in from the JokesGalore.com News Wire…”

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.
If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news…

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal…stay tuned…

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Today’s Stock Market ReportHelium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cow steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remain unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpiller stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn’t take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, “I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

She was only the……..admiral’s daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen….astronaut’s daughter, but she knew how to take off….athlete’s daughter, but she was always ready to play ball….barman’s daughter, but she knew how to pull them….blacksmith’s daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead….bookbinder’s daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets….bricklayer’s daughter, but she was certainly stacked….butcher’s daughter, but there wasn’t much more she could loin….cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together….cave man’s daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur….chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash….clergyman’s daughter, but you couldn’t put anything pastor….cobbler’s daughter, but she was built to last….communist’s daughter, but all the boys got a share….doctor’s daughter, but she really knew how to operate….draughtsman’s daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line….electrician’s daughter, but she lit up half the town….electrician’s daughter, but she had good connections….farmer’s daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise….film censor’s daughter, but she didn’t know when to cut it out….fisherman’s daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines….fishmonger’s daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet….flag-wavers daughter, But she’d let her standards down for anyone….florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town….fruit vendor’s daughter, but she certainly had a pail….gravedigger’s daughter, but she liked lying under the sod….insurance broker’s daughter, but all the guys liked her policy….jockey’s daughter, but all the horse manure….lighthouse keeper’s daughter, but she never went out at night….milkman’s daughter, but she was cream of the crop….moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her still….musician’s daughter, but she knew all the bars in town….optician’s daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself….parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all…philanthropist’s daughter, but she kept giving things away….photographer’s daughter, but she was really developed….pitcher’s daughter, but you should have seen her curves….plumber’s daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures….professor’s daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson….real estate agent’s daughter, but she gave a lot away….road worker’s daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt….stableman’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew her. …statistician’s daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations….steelworker’s daughter, but you should see that pig iron….telegrapher’s daughter, but she sure didit…didit…didit…….tree feller’s daughter, but t’ree fellas were never enough for her….undertaker’s daughter, but she knew how to bu…stiff….vacuum salesman’s daughter, but she knew how to suck!…violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled….weatherman’s daughter, but she sure had a warm front….woodcutter’s daughter, but you could hear her ringbark for miles.

Did you hear the one about the haunted matres?……..neather
did I. I was hoping you could tell it to me.