Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank–proving once and for all that you
can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says “We don’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom
says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy!”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who
shot my paw.”
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while
in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu
he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.” His order comes a
while later, and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the
waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “There’s no
plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a restaurant and asks the waiter, “How much
for a meal?” The waiter replies, “For you, no charge.”
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each
other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost
an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s
novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as
they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under
a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his
typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book
and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a
wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me
crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “It’s very
simple. You’re two tents.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal” (pronounced “em
all”) The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are
twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve Amal.”