Category: puns / word play

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.

“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks sweetly.

“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can’t I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself…
“Well, I guess it’s that time of the month!”

A man who recently found out his wife was pregnant enetered a
sex shop.
Man: Can I have a maternity bra for my wife?
Attendent: What bust?
Man: The fucking condom!!!

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While
pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot
about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas
on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving
his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

i wish u were a door so i can bang u all day

Q: How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?
A: With Kareem!!!

Q: What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Don’s mail box?
A: The Ho House!!!

JUST FAUX FUN

“Can you loan me faux dollars ?”
“What faux ?”
“To buy faux diamonds.”

“What do you need with faux diamonds ?”
“I have sixteen, but I need faux more.”

“Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?”
“No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .”

“You CAN’T be faux real ! Besides, I don’t have faux dollars.”
“Thanks faux nothing !”

“Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?”
“Well, it’s faux pas.”

“And why does pas need faux dollars ?”
“‘Cause Ma SPENT all of his !”

Can you put these words in a senence?
Deduck defence dehead defeat

Answer:

Deduck junped over defence first dehead then defeat.

A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, “You look
great!” He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice
again, “No, really, you look just terrific!” Again he looks around.
Nobody! A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, “Is that a new
shirt or something…because you look absolutely stunning!” At this point
the man realizes that the voice is coming out of a bowl of nuts on the
bar. “Hey,” the man calls to the barkeep, “what’s with there nuts?” “Oh,”
the bartender answers, “they’re complimentary.”

Here is a story about a famous food critic’s recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the “Fish Friar.”
The brother repiled, “Nope, I’m the Chip Monk!”

What animals are in pantyhose?

10 little piggies,
2 calfs,
an ass,
a pussy,
and,
a whole mess of hares.

A little fishy was swimming up river one day, minding his own business when all of a sudden, he hit a wall.

Damn!, he said.

A white horse jumped into a pile of mud.

Not by me….I heard it in school